Competitive Eater

I’m pretty excited to say Chandler no longer has the eating habits of a high school cheerleader. He’s stopped rejecting food and has become much more excited about including edible objects on the list of things he’ll put in his mouth. You see, in the past (what, like 8 days ago?) if you gave him something he was supposed to chew on, he’d fend it off like Jackie Chan fighting off pre-pubescent Chinese kids in the new Karate Kid movie (what were those kids doing out of their sweatshop?), but anything made of plastic, metal, fabric, or dog was a perfectly fine candidate for his tastebuds.

Until now. Now Chandler loves to eat. Give him some faux-cheesey puffs, and he’ll go to town on them. Give him an apple slice and he’ll use those two bottom teeth to widdle it down to a slightly smaller apple slice.

Ever since we started trying to get him to eat solid foods, I’ve noticed Chandler really studies us when we eat. You can see this look on his face like, “What are they doing? I mean, I chew on things all the time, but their things are disappearing! They are gonna have some nasty diapers later.”

Then we’d give him some food and he’d reluctantly put it in his mouth, watching our faces as he does it, as if he’s thinking, “Okay, I’m trying this, because I sort of trust you. But I really don’t think it is going to work.” With the food item in his mouth he does this crazy shutter movement as if the food was electrically charged and he just got zapped. He then would spit it out and look at us like, “Okay, I trust you less now.”

To his credit he has been persistent. We keep putting food in front of him and he keeps testing it out. I think it’s mainly because he sees us doing it and he wants to be like us (What’s the shelf life on that attitude?). And that also probably explains why he gets the food all over his clothes. I tend to spill. I get that from my dad.

I also think a big part of the turn around is that Mommy has slowly been lowering her standards for what is acceptable to be fed to the little one. It started off with a little bit of Slim Fast (or as I like to call it, SLAM FIST!) on the tip of Mommy’s finger. And then one day Grandma and I won a small battle at a Fuddrucker’s restaurant and were allowed (extremely begrudingly) to give Chandler the tiniest bit of whipped cream. Then one day Chandler got a hold of one of my Twinkies, ripped it open and had his way with it.

The final straw occurred only a few days after Mommy spurned me for trying to give Chandler the tiniest little Hershey’s chocolate chip. She explained that “Chocolate is the worst thing you can give a baby.” A valid point but where was that theory when you were feeding him chocolate Slim Fast, lady! Nonetheless, with Grandma’s ever looming influence, Ashley allowed Chandler to have a fudgsicle. Not a small taste of a fudgsicle. Not a few bites of a fudgsicle. All of a fudgsicle.

The end result of this is that Chandler has come to realize that not all solid foods are buttnernut squash, peas, and brocolli. Now he approaches each new food item with the mentality, “Is this a fudgsicle? Oh…well, it’s not bad though.”

What you gonna do with all that junk?

Who’s ready for another healthy dose of Father Knows Best?? Today’s question is provided by an anonymous source. Don’t worry “Anonymous”, your secret is safe with me. Their question is:

Will you feed Chandler “junk” food and when? How will you decide how much he can have? Or maybe I should say Who?

Normally I say something like, “Great question!” But you have actually opened up a sore subject between my wife and I. So it’s a good thing you submitted the question anonymously. Because it’s about to get real AWKWARD.

The other night I was enjoying a lovely milkshake at Fuddruckers, which was topped with whipped cream. My mother-in-law and I thought it would be fun to give Chandler his first taste of this delightful treat. My wife…DID NOT. I have been a very obedient husband when it comes to Chandler’s food intake. But with my mother-in-law egging me on I defied my wife and gave Chandler a finger full of whipped creamy goodness.

His response was pretty neutral. I looked at my wife to see what she was thinking. It was like one of those moments in a movie when they say, “It’s quiet…a little too quiet.”

So technically Chandler has had his first “junk” food. But this is only the beginning.

As you all may have noticed, I have a bit of an affection for Mt. Dew. I’m also a major candy consumer. A typical breakfast for me is two Twinkies and a Mt. Dew. I am not joking. I’m not.

Now as you read along and learn about my so-called “horribly unhealthy eating habits” you might be picturing me as this extremely out of shape pathetic looking man. In reality I am the perfect picture of health.

You might be wondering how I can maintain my girlish figure while cramming so much junk down my skinny little throat. (I’m eating Chex Mix and Dew as I write this) The key is: It’s all in your mind. Ever since I was young I have never believed that what I eat can have any effect on me. As a result, it never has.

I’m sure there are a lot of you who are thinking “BS! You just have a high metabolism and someday all those Twinkies will catch up with you and you’ll be HUGE!” Maybe that’s true, and someday that will make for one really funny post.

So my prevailing theory on “junk” food is that Chandler can have as much as he wants. That is MY theory. But the majority of my theories tend not to prevail in my household. In fact, most of my theories tend to be shot down like a jet flying over enemy airspace.

I have a feeling Chandler’s eating habits will vary greatly depending on the presence of his mother. But when I’m in charge it’ll be cheeseburgers, jelly beans, and Mt. Dew.