Improvising Fatherhood

9 May 13

Today I Keyser Soze'd my son

Mom: (Places part of a banana on Chandler's plate to eat with his breakfast)
Chandler: No thank you. (Picks it up to hand back to her)
Mom: Okay, well leave it on your plate and if you are still hungry after your muffin you can eat that.
Chandler: No thanks. (Tries to hand it to me)
Me: Why don't you want it on your plate? Use your words to explain it to me.
Chandler: Because it will touch my muffin and get banana on it.
Me: Why don't you eat it and put it in your tummy so it's not in the way.
Chandler: Oh, good idea. (Eats banana)
Me: (doing everything in my power not to laugh)

5 May 13

Tonight while driving to Grandma’s house we saw a man on the side of the road with a sign saying, “Got Laid Off. Anything will help.” Chandler asked about him and the sign, and I explained the man’s situation and the idea of begging.

Chandler gazed off into the distance listening very intently the whole time, and when I was done he turned to me and said, “Sawyer begs.”

Posted: 9:27 PM

Comments | 45 notes

Silly

Today Chandler and I were playing in our front yard riding our scooters around which of course involves wearing helmets. Then, as usual, Chandler shifted gears and we were suddenly playing Soccer. But…today’s twist was that he wanted us to keep our helmets on.

With plenty of people taking strolls through the neighborhood, I started to say, “We can’t wear our helmets while we play Soccer. We’d look sill-” but I cut myself off before I finished.

I don’t want my son to grow up living in fear of being “silly”. While I love to be silly on stage, I still have moments where I try to avoid looking silly in front of other “adults”. But I don’t want to teach this to my kids.

So I stopped what I was saying, and we played Helmet Soccer for about 30 minutes. I got to wave to a bunch of my neighbors.

29 April 13

Comments | 19 notes

This is a video of Chandler and Parker laughing together. This is one of my most favorite things in the world. These guys really love each other.

12 April 13

Comments | 29 notes

I’m going to start calling Chandler “Mr Angles” because he is always playing the angles in every situation. Chandler still uses a pacifier when in his bed (don’t judge) and knows that he can’t take it with him out of his room. My wife just sent this photo of him and said, “He came to talk to me with his pacifier in his mouth.” He’s walking around with his shield covering his mouth trying to get away with it.

Also, pretty sure my wife took this picture from the toilet.

31 March 13

Comments | 30 notes

I just sung the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle theme song to my son as a lullaby.

Posted: 9:59 AM

Comments | 23 notes

Am I baking a cake?

These are directions from my wife on how to put our 8-month-old, Parker, to sleep.

“10:00 Go to P’s room and read books until 10:15 or earlier if rubbing eyes and clingy.
10:15. Swaddle. Sound machine and Spike on. Say good night to animals on wall. Lights off. Hold him and sway while you sing 3-4 songs. Swing on high.”

But what do I preheat the oven to?

25 March 13

Comments | 62 notes

When I post cute pics of my kids I usually do so with the excuse of making some sort of joke about them. There’s no excuse for this one. Just look at that perfect baby!

24 March 13

Comments | 176 notes

This is a game I play called “How many items can I stuff in my child’s pajamas?”

20 March 13

Comments | 25 notes

In this picture Leo has both swords on the same side, so…

My kid is soooo method.

10 March 13

Comments | 43 notes

Possibly more awkward than the Birds and the Bees Talk

With the boys in bed, Ashley and I fired up our next episode of The Walking Dead when suddenly we hear a noise from upstairs. What followed was a conversation that might be more awkward than a sex talk.

I went to Chandler’s door.

Chandler: Dad, what was that sound? I heard it.

Me: That….well…that was the TV.

Chandler: Why?

Me: Well buddy…because…Mommy and I are watching…a TV show.

Chandler: Why?

Me: ….Okay, it’s time for you to get back in bed.

I should have said, “Well son, when a Mommy and Daddy love a TV show very much, they can’t wait to put their kids to sleep so they can watch as many episodes as possible.”

7 March 13

Comments | 28 notes

Check it out! The awesome people at 7 A.M. sent me this rad Pookie Poncho! It’s a product that attaches to your stroller, car seat, or baby carrier to give your baby a little extra warmth.

I got it today and didn’t have time to go outside to test it, so we cranked up our AC and got the house down to a nice 32 degrees. But as you can see Parker wasn’t cold at all. He was snug as a bug in his Pookie Poncho.

The people over at 7 A.M. Enfant were pretty generous to give me one of these, but I said, “NO! I don’t just want one for myself! You give one to my readers or ELSE!”

And they were like, “Or else what?” And I was all, “Or else I’ll open a can of Whoop Bottom.” (Chandler was listening)

Well that got them pretty scared, so they have agreed to do a giveaway!

So if you want a Pookie Poncho of your very own, here’s how to enter:

1. Tell me the funniest thing your kid said this week. If you’re an expecting parent and don’t have a kid yet, tell me your funniest pregnancy story so far.

2. “Like” 7 A.M. Enfant on Facebook

That’s it! Everyone who does both of those things will be added to the list and I will select a name at random on Sunday night and announce the winner on Monday.

So, what’s the funniest thing your kid said this week?

4 March 13

Comments | 72 notes

Wonderful Colors

I want to preface this story by saying that the only time my son sees me with my pants down are when we are going to the bathroom. In order to promote good bathroom habits, we use the bathroom together and he can ask questions if he wants. I think this is a normal parenting technique, no?

I also want to say that Chandler is currently in a bit of a Brick Tamland phase (Steve Carell in Anchorman) where he will start randomly saying he loves things that he sees around the room.

The other day, while standing in the bathroom with me, the following conversation occurred.

Chandler: I love your penis, Daddy.

Me: Excuse me?

Chandler: I love it.

Me: Why?

Chandler: It has wonderful colors.

Maybe it’s time to instill the “Dudes don’t talk in the bathroom” rule.

28 February 13

Comments | 50 notes

He can trick me, but I can’t trick him

Last night I gave Chandler a few pieces of candy out of a box and then lied to him and said, “That was the last one, there’s no more in the box.” He gave me this look like he didn’t trust me and then said, “Shake the box.”

I feel like I should hand in my gun and badge.

27 February 13

Comments | 71 notes

This is Chandler dressed up like Donnie fixing things. I think Chandler is going to be a Cosplayer when he grows up.

Themed by Hunson. Originally by Josh

Today I Keyser Soze'd my son

The Dog’s Name is Sawyer

Am I baking a cake?

Possibly more awkward than the Birds and the Bees Talk

Wonderful Colors

He can trick me, but I can’t trick him