I knew having a child was a good idea

Yesterday, as I pulled into my garage after a hard day at work, I was greeted by the best  thing in the world. My son. But not JUST my son. My son bringing a Mt Dew to me. 

I couldn’t believe it. And you might think it was just Mommy putting him up to it. But he did it on his own volition. It actually wasn’t the first time he had gotten a Mt Dew for me. A few days earlier he got into our pantry, as he loves to do, and he found my reserves. He grabbed a can of Dew and immediately knew who it belonged to. He very proudly walked it right over to me. 

It made so happy, it felt like that scene in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” when his heart grew three times bigger. So flash forward a few days, I arrive home after an infuriating drive through rush hour traffic, and what do my eyes see before me? My son standing at the door with yet another can of Mt Dew.  

According to my wife, about half an hour before I got home she mentioned that I was on my way home and Chandler’s response was to grab one of the warm Mt Dews out of the pantry. My wife swapped it out with a cold one and told him to put it by the garage door. When he heard the garage door opening (which his ears happen to be very attuned to, by the way) he rushed over to my now colder-than-pantry-warmer-than-fridge Mt Dew. 

I really can’t think of a better reason to have a child. Years ago I discovered that my wife will not go get me a Mt Dew from the fridge for me. Apparently she’s got this whole belief in gender equality. Weird. So when I realized that, I decided my next best bet was to have a kid with her and then train that kid to get me Mt Dews at the snap of a finger. I thought it was too early to start training Chandler for his life of servitude, you know, considering he can barely take his own socks off. But I guess I underestimated him. 

Now his real training will begin. I will have to make him run circuits back and forth between the couch and fridge. I’ll set up cones and other obstacles to make sure he knows how to adapt his route, and I will make him do one-armed pushups. The one-armed pushups don’t really have anything to do with bringing me Mt Dews, but they are cool. 

What cool tricks can your kid do?

Til Death Dew us Part?

This week I received a very nice email from an IF fan named Amanda. She started out by saying some very nice things about my blog which always makes my day. She mentioned that her husband occasionally reads IF over her shoulder on account of all the Mt Dew and ninja baby references.

But then she took it one step further by looking out for my health. She said:

“I came across this website and thought you would be interested:  

http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine   You can type in your weight and drink of choice and see how many it would take to kill you, after consuming them in one sitting. Fortunately for my hubby he can safely drink up to 167 Mountain Dews before going into what I can only assume would be a diabetic coma.

Hopefully this information will keep you safe as you continue to do the Dew.”

Thank you so much Amanda! First of all, thank your Hubby for occasionally reading IF over your shoulder. I’ll be sure to throw in some more “Mt Dew drinking, Ninja Baby” content to keep him enticed. Secondly, tell your Hubby “IN YOUR FACE!” for me. I went to that website and entered my weight and chose Mt Dew. You know how much Mt. Dew I can drink in one sitting before my head pops off like a Mentos shooting out of a Diet Pepsi bottle? 215! That’s right! I win! And yes, EVERYTHING is a competition. I once won a “see who can go the longest without competing” competition.

I would also like to say that I have reverse engineered the results on the site to figure out that Amanda’s husband weighs 135 pounds, and is very possibly a Jockey. A really cool Jockey…with mad ninja skills.

I have to be honest though. I’m not sure this site is going to keep me as safe as you were hoping. Because you see, I look at that 215 Can limit and I take it as a challenge. You can’t tell me how many cans of Dew I’m capable of drinking. You can’t tell me how fast I can drive on the highway! You can’t tell me how many legs I have! Now every time I pick up a can of Dew, all I can think is “214 left.” That number is haunting me! But it’s not just me. Chandler wanted to know his limits too. I have to say, even I felt a little creepy plugging in my child’s weight to figure out how much Dew it would take to kill my baby. But here are the results.

The only thing worse than killing your baby by filling him up with Mt Dew, is filling him up with Mt Dew and then shaking him. It get’s….Fizzy. I don’t want to get too morbid, but I just did a dead baby joke, so I guess I’m already there. I would never ever consider offing myself, but I’ve often said the only way I would kick my own bucket is if I had the ability to physically pull my own head off. Can you imagine the response that would get if you did that in front of a crowd of people? But now I think I have a plan B. I have to say, death by Dew would be a really tasty way to go. But don’t worry. I never missed a day of school. I’ve never missed a day of work. And I don’t plan on missing a day of life. There’s a lot of Dew still out there.

“Is all this for me?”

(To see the rest of the photo shoot click the “Read More” link)

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Somebody is playing favorites

Recently it has become abundantly clear that Chandler is a momma’s boy. 

During the beginning stages of my parenting career, I prided myself on maintaining a strong connection with my son. People told me that in the first few months the baby will have a much stronger connection with the mother because she is his primary source of food, and she doesn’t have an annoying voice like I do. It’s natural for the mother to be more connected to the baby than the father is. I didn’t see it as natural. I saw it as a challenge.  

For those first few months I did a good job of staying involved and making sure I always got in some quality father-son bonding time. I taught him important survival techniques like how to triage an iPod, how to maintain constant awareness of your Mt Dew inventory levels, and how to catch, kill, and field dress a Keebler Elf. And for a while I was really holding my own. I’m not saying it’s a competition, but that’s only because I was never quite winning.

I also wasn’t losing horribly. Until now. Now I am losing. Horribly. Anytime Mommy leaves even for a moment, Chandler starts to freak out. What happens when Daddy leaves? I can’t confirm this, but I swear I can hear the faint sound of little pudgy baby hands clapping. 

What happens when Mommy enters the room? Smiles and giggles and impressively articulate fist pumps.

(By the way, I googled “Fist Pump” to make sure I wasn’t using a term that was going to be considered sexual, and found this awesome Wikipedia article. I don’t use fist pumps nearly enough anymore. Unfortunately, according to Google they are becoming associated with Jersey Shore…and I’m not about to jump onto that bandwagon.)

Wow, I really got sidetracked…where was I? Oh yeah, Mommy enters the room and little baby fist pumps ensue. What happens when Daddy enters the room? Chandler kind of looks at me, looks down, looks at me again, then turns and sees Mommy. “OH MOMMY IS STILL HERE!” And crawls to Mommy.

Now, I should step back a bit and say, Chandler isn’t necessarily “freaking out” when Ashley leaves the room. Occasionally we’ll witness a real meltdown. Usually it’s just a little mini-panic attack. Often nothing happens at all. But I guess you could say I’m being a little hyper-sensitive to the whole situation. After all, I’m a comedian. I want people to pay attention to me and like me. That’s a major part of what a comedian strives for. 

But don’t worry. I’ll have my time. Sure Mom is the favorite now. But just you wait. Soon Chandler will see the true wisdom behind “Bros before Hos.” (Sorry honey. You’re not a Ho. It’s just a thing people say.) And I have a plan! You see, I know what kinds of things kids like. How do I know? Because I can think like one. In fact, I can’t think like anything other than a kid. So I plan on stockpiling all sorts of awesome toys and other fun items for Chandler and I to play with. Things like nunchucks, sports gear, legos, candy stashed all over the house, and Unicorns. Yeah, UNICORNS. They are awesome! They are horses with spikes! And Chandler will learn to love them in a manly way.

Anyhow, the point is I’m going to bribe Chandler into loving me. It won’t be a glorious victory, but a win is a win. Okay, I’m off to buy some child sized ninja weapons, a pony, and a spike. 

The perfect gift for a father

There’s an old saying (and an old TV show) that says, “Father knows best.” Well I’ve really been putting that theory to the test, and possibly proving it wrong. Here we go again! It’s time for some more Father Knows Best? Today’s question is from Kristin. She asks:

Friends of mine recently announced they were pregnant again. What is a good gift for the expecting father? His wife will be showered with presents, but my husband and I would like to get something specifically for him.

Oh man! I hope I’m not too late in answering this question. I would hate to have sentenced this man to a horrible gift simply because I did not advise you soon enough. If you’ve already bought him something, go back to the store and return it and then come back and read this. I’ll wait.

……………….

Okay, are you back? Did they give you your money back or make you take store credit? I hate it when they just give you store credit!

Alright…the perfect gift for a second time father. First of all, does he need to carry a lot of quarters? If so, see yesterday’s post. And if you go with the Quad Fanny Pack idea, don’t be cheap, get the Hover Fanny Packs.

But if he already has Hover Fanny Packs, don’t worry, I’ve got another idea. One of the hardest thing about being a dad is that it seems like you never have your hands free. They are always holding a child or a child related item. So the best gift you can give him is something that allows him to do the things he needs to do without using his hands.

The first thing that comes to mind is one of those hats with the two holders for beer cans and straws that go down to your mouth. I only drink Mt Dew, but I would assume that just about any canned beverage could be accommodated by these hats. To really make this gift awesome, you could get a matching hat for his kid.

The key is to think “hands free.” Think about whatever it is that he loves to do with his hands, and find a product that helps him do it without actually using them. If he’s a bowler, maybe you could get him a voice activated remote control bowling ball. If he’s a hunter maybe you could get him a gun that straps to chest and can be fired by pulling a string with his mouth while holding his baby. Or perhaps he’s a NASCAR driver. Then I’d recommend a set of hands that strap on to the top of his knees and hold the wheel so he can hold his baby and drive with his knees.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen all of these items in sky mall magazine. In fact, you can pretty much just get him anything out of that magazine and you’ll be good to go. Hope that helps!

Got Dew?

Hi, I’m Chandler Smith, star of the hit parenting blog Improvising Fatherhood. When I wake up in the morning I like to start my day off right, with an ice cold glass of Mt. Dew. Nothing gets me ready for the day like the extreme tastiness of doing the Dew. And when I come home at night after long hard day of crawling around, going to ridiculous music classes at the library, and showing off my mad hops in the jumparoo, nothing helps me wind down quite like the smooth refreshing style of Mt. Dew. And the ladies love it too.

Take it from me, child blog celebrity, Chandler Smith. Do the Dew. You’ll thank me later.