I’ve got a beef with a lot you people out there. Usually I’m pretty happy go lucky here. I don’t use my angry voice very much. But I’ve really had it with you people.
Chandler is really close to crawling. He can roll over in his sleep (that’s not just a figure of speech. He sometimes does that) and then he gets up on his hands and knees and he is oh so close to being mobile. I for one think this is great. I am so excited for him.
But there are a lot of Negative Nancys and Donald Downers out there who want to hold my child back. They say things like, “Are you sure you want Chandler to be able to crawl already?” Or they say, “Oh man, once he can crawl you better look out!” Or even, “You have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk.” Okay, that last one is not so bad.
The point is I keep running into people who seem to think I should sabotage my child’s progress. And for what? So that I don’t have to work as hard as a parent.
LAZY!
It is this kind of lazy parenting that is ruining our society. We can’t be bothered to play catch with our son for a few minutes after work so he never learns to throw. Or we don’t take an interest in our daughter’s dance routine and then one day it involves a pole. Or we just need to run in to the grocery store real quick and don’t want to worry about taking little Billy out of the car seat and then…(gulp)
I hate this “do as little as possible” mentality we take with our children. Yeah, I realize that even when we do as little as possible with our children they are still A LOT of friggin’ work. But that’s why I’ve decided to do even more. I don’t hope he takes longer to crawl just so he’ll be easier to handle. I am busting my ass to get him to be so amazing that I couldn’t stop him if I wanted to. I’m not just encouraging him to crawl. I’m training him.
Now before you start to think, “Man this guy really thinks highly of himself,” just stop right there. I don’t think I’m a great dad. I bump my kid’s head at least three times a day. I turn on bloody action flicks and love it when he stares at them with a dazed look in his eye. I let him struggle and cry on the floor while I check Facebook way longer than I should and chalk it up to “making him tougher.” And someday soon I’ll be sneaking Mt. Dew into his sippy cup.
I’m not the perfect dad. In fact my parenting career can be compared to my career as a basketball player. I had almost no skills but I made up for it with hustle. But if you ask me, that’s the most important thing a dad can do. Hustle. Don’t be lazy. And someday very soon my kid will be crawling circles around your kid.
“ Perk of Parenthood # 143: You can start eating your meal before everyone else and no one gets mad at you because they know you only have a few precious seconds before your child wakes up.
Let me start by saying I have no rhythm. I can’t hit a note. If I did hit a note I’d probably break it. I was in band for 7 years and all that time I never once was on the beat. What I’m trying to say is I’m not all that musical.
My wife…also not very musical.
But my wife likes to sing. Me…not so much. It’s not that I don’t like music. I like music. I just don’t like to make music. It’s kind of the opposite of how I feel about words. I don’t like to read them, but I do like to write them.
I didn’t really think I was ever going to sing to my kid. But apparently as soon as you become a father some kind of funky juke box is magically installed somewhere inside you. Now I sing all the time.
The juke box doesn’t run on quarters. It runs on fear. Fear of a massive mini-man meltdown. Sometimes I almost feel possessed. Chandler starts to fuss a little bit and all of a sudden I can feel the robotic arm randomly selecting a record inside me. Next thing I know I’m singing a song I’ve never heard of.
Why haven’t I heard of it? Because it doesn’t exist. I made it up. I’m like the Mozart of baby songs. Well I guess that was Raffi. And my songs don’t really make any sense. The lyrics are mostly just Chandler’s name over and over and the occasional “please for the love of God just fall of sleep” thrown in there. So maybe I’m the Picasso of baby songs.
When I look back to 4 months ago (that’s it? I’ve only been a father for 4 months? Seems like FOR.EV.ER.) and think about when people would ask me how I thought being a dad would change me, singing definitely wasn’t on the list. Singing was nowhere near the list. Singing got blacklisted from the list.
Guy - “Hey Nate, when you become a father you’re going to sing to your kid all the time.”
Nate - “I will punch you.”
Apparently I was wrong. Being a dad just does something to you.
Want to hear the songs I sing to Chandler? If 50 people request it in the comments section I will post some of my original hits. I promise.
Today I partook in our nation’s new favorite pastime, seeing the movie Avatar. I was pretty excited to see this movie. Actually I was just excited to get out of the house. I had heard a lot of good things about James Cameron’s latest epic, mostly from characters on Fox TV shows. The movie looked to be amazing but I was feeling uncharacteristically cynical about the whole 3D experience. However, I went into this movie with an open mind.
After giving it some thought I give the movie an ‘A’ and the 3D an ‘eh+’. As usual James Cameron has done a great job telling a story that is worth every dime he spent on it. Great characters (both good and bad), great visuals, and great imagination.
Then there’s the 3D element of Avatar. Prior to this my only experience with 3D was a Muppets movie at the MGM studios theme park. There were meatballs and chickens flying at our heads constantly. Fun…but not quite what I’m looking for in an epic film like Avatar. I’m pleased to say that not one spear or bullet wizzed by our heads the entire movie. I heard someone describe the 3D in Avatar as immersive 3D. It made you feel like you were sitting in on the conversation or actually walking through the forest of Pandora. I appreciated the subtlety with which Mr. Cameron utilized this technology.
I left the theater thinking that maybe this really is the future of cinema. But then I wondered, “why?” Did this new feature really serve the story? Was there anything that 3D did for this movie that seeing it in plain old 2D would have missed? Most of the time I was more distracted by the extra visual dimension than anything else.
The 3D did not in any way help move the story along or convey the message more effectively. But it did of course enhance the viewing pleasure for the audience. I can remember when surround sound was new and a big deal in movie theaters. Before the previews started there was a massive display of the Dolby Surround Sound speaker system that just about blasted you out of your seat. It didn’t help the film maker in his quest to make a more compelling film, but it was cool. At first we were a little distracted by it as we heard gun shots coming from our right and then explosions from our left. But now if a movie theater doesn’t have surround sound it just seems out of place.
I’m sure there were similar feelings when movies first started to be made in color or even when they first featured sound. So maybe I’ll get so used to this 3D experience that watching a flick in a measly two dimensions will seem like an incomplete experience.
And that makes me wonder. What will be the Avatar of my child’s generation? What new technology will come out that will take story telling to the next level? Will we someday have holographic theaters where instead of a screen everyone will sit in a dark room together and literally be sitting in the middle of the movie? (I trademark that concept)
I don’t know what is next and by the looks of things I might not get back out to the movies until it’s here.
Let’s test that theory. In the interest of creating a more open discussion about the trials, tribulations and trivialities of fatherhood I’ve created an “Ask me anything” page. Go to http://www.improvisingfatherhood.com/ask and submit your question. I’ll respond to your question in the form of a post.
Maybe you’re a soon to be dad and want to know on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad baby poops smell in the first 4 months. Or maybe you are a veteran dad and want to know what I think has been the hardest part of being a parent so far. Maybe you’re my wife and want to know how Chandler got that new scratch on his cheek. I will answer almost any question.
“ I was changing Chandler’s diaper when suddenly I felt a small burst of air on my hand. Chandler farted on me! Thank God that’s all he did.
It seems these days that everyone has a website. I know that exclamation might sound cliche and a year ago people were saying that all the time. But now more than before I think literally everyone on earth has a website. I saw a Florida license plate today that had “myflorida.com” displayed across the top. I can only assume that site is just a listing of retirement homes and retail locations where Werthers Original Caramels can be purchased. Yesterday at the mall I saw an advertisement for a hospital which said, “Check our twitter status for updates on ER wait times.” How long is it before we start seeing tweets like, “I’m bleeding to death! :( RT @ProvidenceHospital ER wait time is currently 2 hours.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against the digitalization of humanity. On the contrary, I’m a firm believer that “we are not material, we are digital.” But as I see all these entities with their own websites and Facebook or Twitter accounts I am having a frightening realization. My son doesn’t have a web presence!
Four months into the game and he still has no digital footprint. Sure, I’m writing all about him and showing him off to the world through my own sites. But he hasn’t had a chance to express his own voice. Chandler has to get himself out there and show the world wide web what he can bring to the table. Maybe in the early years of the 2000’s it would have been okay for him to slide by without creating his own digital domain. But this is 2010 and if you don’t have a bevvy of social network profiles filled out in pristine detail, as well as at least one URL you can call your own, well then you’re a downright hermit. It won’t be long before birth certificates have a line right next to “home address” for “homepage.”
So what form will Chandler’s online persona take? He’ll of course need to be signed up for all the usuals. Facebook. Twitter. Linkedin. And he’s been having trouble getting out into the dating scene, so let’s sign him up for E-Harmony while we’re at it. But how will Chandler present himself to the online community? Whenever I endeavor to create a website for myself or a group of any sort I ask myself the following question.
What would be the digital version of (fill in the blank)?
In this instance, what would be the digital version of a 4 month old baby named Chandler Smith? If I could create a website that drooled on your keyboard everytime you went to it, I think that would be the perfect representation. But what other qualities would Chandler’s website have?
Well for starters it would only be online for about an hour at a time and then it will be down for about 30 minutes to an hour. There will be no set schedule but a semi-regular routine. Also, much like Chandler lacks full control of his hands and feet, the site will have no control of its links. Clicking on one might take you the intended page, but it also might result in being “dropped” from the website altogether.
The website will also have to have many different moods. Often the site will be very needy and require you to continuously click the page to keep it up and running. Other times it will sit there completely content and not require your attention whatsoever. These moments will be fleeting.
And of course the site will constantly be running at a slow “crawl.” (Rimshot please)
I’ll have to give this project some thought and maybe sometime soon you’ll see Chandler’s foray into the digital world.
Does your baby has his/her own website yet? Share it with me in the comments section.
“ The power in our neighboorhood is out. I just changed a diaper in the dark using a head lamp. I feel like the host of some sort of parenting survival show.
“ I’m sitting at my desk working on my blog, watching the Blazer game, and listening to the sweet sound of my son playing and my wife laughing at his antics. Fatherhood is good.
The Improvising Fatherhood team has 3 key members.
The Dad - Nate Smith is a comedian and a writer. And a dork. For most of his life every ounce of his energy has been devoted to making people laugh. Now Nate has a baby and all of his energy has been redirected to raising his son. So Nate decided to combine both efforts and make people laugh by raising his son.
The Kid - Chandler is the star of the show. He’s the main event. When Nate first had the idea to write this blog about his son, he worried that maybe there wouldn’t be enough ongoing content to sustain it. Uh…he was wrong. Chandler has something similar to restless leg syndrome, except in his whole body. The kid seriously never stops moving and that provides plenty of material.
The Mom- Ashley made Chandler. Nate helped. But Ashley did all the hard work. Ashley is also the reason Nate started writing this blog in the first place. It was her idea…kind of like Chandler. Ashley is as beautiful as she is patient. Ashley is EXTREMELY patient.
The Blog - Improvising Fatherhood is a non-profit blog…I mean Improvising Fatherhood is currently not profiting. But hey, we sure would love a little college fund cash for Chandler. So if you’d like to donate or join up in some sort of profitable venture, you can contact me at improvisingfatherhood@gmail.com
