Dependency Issues

Chandler is usually a pretty independent boy. He doesn’t like to be held for too long. He’s always on the move. And you can set him down and he’ll play by himself for quite a while. In fact, Chandler’s favorite song is “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson. 

Recently we’ve been noticing a new development in Chandler’s behavior. The lone wolf is not always so happy being away from the pack anymore. When Mommy has to leave and he’s stuck playing with Daddy, Chandler will start to freak out. He’ll bust into tears and start crawling after her. At first I was a little offended by this. Am I not a fun play mate? What’s she got that I don’t have?

Oh yeah…breaststesses. But so what? We use bottles all the time when Mommy isn’t home and he loves it. Maybe I just need to duct tape the bottles to my chest so he can always be reminded that Mommy isn’t the only one with access to milk. 

I have however noticed that Chandler’s dependency issues don’t only apply to Mommy. The other day when I was taking care of him he was in a jumperoo, jumping to his heart’s delight, when I decided this was a perfect moment for a “quick” bathroom break. As I walked out of his line of sight, he suddenly started crying. I quickly jaunted back to see what was up and he gave me a big smile. Seeing that he was okay I headed back to the bathroom. Again he shrieked in anguish. I came back and he smiled. To resolve this issue I moved his jumperoo over in front of the bathroom door so he could see me while I did my business.

Nothin’ more weird than your 6 month old son smiling at you while you drop a deuce. 

As Chandler develops it has been fun to see how he recognizes the people in his life. Whenever Grandma, Grandpa, and his Uncle come over Chandler gets a huge smile of recognition. He does the same thing when I come home from work. He seems to really like having people around. The other day a friend of mine stopped by for a visit and for the first few minutes Chandler just stared at him almost as if he was studying him. Occasionally he’d look back at us as if to say, “Does this guy check out?” After the vetting process was over Chandler was very playful with our friend. 

It’s nice to see Chandler’s social skills developing, I just don’t want him to get to a point where every time one of us leaves he goes ballistic. So I’ve decided to solve this problem by making life-size robotic replicas of Ashley and I. I don’t have all the details ironed out yet, but I do know you’ll be able to put a cassette tape into the back of the robot and it will read books on tape out loud to your kid. I’ll call it the Daddy Ruxpin.

If you know anyone who’s really good at making robots and is willing to be paid in empty Mt. Dew cans (five cent deposit!) let me know. 

I only have taste buds for Dew

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!! I mean…it’s time to answer some more questions from the Father Knows Best? mail bag. Today’s question was submitted by Kat. She asks

do you ever drink any other kind of soda (when mt dew is available)? I love mt dew, but every once in a great while I like to go for a cherry pepsi…
-Kat

Okay people, am I going to have to start a whole new blog just to talk about Mt. Dew? These questions are supposed to be at least loosely related to parenting. Kat, I’m going to cut you some slack this time, but I want to see a question about parenting from you sometime soon.

The answer to your question is usually no. If Mt. Dew is available, that’s what I get. But there are some stipulations to that. For instance, if I’m at a restaurant where I know they have a soda fountain that doesn’t use pre-mixed tanks, I might pass on the Mt. Dew. You can tell which restaurants don’t have pre-mixed tanks because the Dew will taste a little watered down. The restaurant owner will save himself some money by using more water and less syrup in the mix. LAME.

In that situation I will usually order a Roy Rogers (Coke and cherry grenadine). A Roy Rogers is a great substitute because it is still a pretty sweet tasting soda, although some places will be cheap with the grenadine too. Also, Roy Rogers is my go-to drink to order when I’m with friends at a bar. I don’t drink alcohol, and ordering a Roy Rogers sounds a lot better than “I’ll have a cola…”

The only other time I wouldn’t choose Mt. Dew when it is available is when I am eating McDonald’s. I don’t know why, but when you are at McDonald’s their Coke seems to taste better than anywhere else. A McDonald’s cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke are just a classic combo. At McDonald’s they don’t have Mt. Dew, but if I take my McD’s to go and decide to save money by getting my drink from home, I’ll have a can of Coke rather than a Mt. Dew. It just seems like the right thing to do.

I guess you could also say there are times that I will choose to have milk or orange juice with my breakfast even if Mt. Dew is an option. If I’m having a “real” breakfast I’ll have one of those options. Also, a McDonald’s breakfast (Egg McMuffins are the only item I recognize on the McDonald’s breakfast menu) must be supplemented with a HiC Orange drink. Of course, I often have a Twinkie and a Mt. Dew for breakfast.

Now occasionally I’ll get to a point where I’ve had so much Mt. Dew that my mouth goes into panic mode and I’ll have canker sores and then I’ll have to take a short hiatus from my happy juice. 

Okay….sheesh, did I really just write 5 paragraphs about my Mt. Dew ordering preferences? 

ARE YOU SEEING THIS PEPSI!? DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I PROMOTING YOUR BEVERAGE!? Call me…

A letter from Pepsi to my son

A while back Chandler sent a letter to PepsiCo offering my services as a spokesperson and pleading with them to give me a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew. His letter was very well thought out and I thought he showed great initiative in his efforts.

Well the people at Pepsi have finally responded to his letter and as it turns out…they are heartless. They’ve decided that rather than help an entrepreneurial spirit grow inside my son they should crush him and teach him that life is full of rejection. Here’s the letter.

Well thanks a lot Pepsi! Now my son is jaded! He’s lost his will to live. He just crawls around the house drooling on stuff. He doesn’t want to eat anything except breast milk. He has trouble sleeping at night….he’s just not himself anymore.

Wait…that’s exactly what he was like before. BUT now my child will never go to college. Because if you won’t pay for my son’s college tuition after he so nicely asked you to, then just to spite you I won’t pay for it either. You know what I’m going to do instead? When he graduates from high school, I’m going to send him to 4 years of Space Camp. Yeah, that’s right. Makes no sense! Take THAT Pepsi! You want extreme! I’ll show you extreme! Extremely odd!

Well Pepsi, even with how upset Chandler and I are right now, we are willing to keep our offer open to you. Whenever you’re ready to accept your fate, give us a holla’. You know how to reach us.

Mt. Dew Cupcakes!?!

Well here we are with yet another exciting edition of Father Knows Best? For those of you new to Improvising Fatherhood, FNB? is a segment where I answer any questions you submit to me. You can submit your questions HERE.

Today’s question is submitted by Sarah from Life as a Working Mummy, and is pretty intriguing. She says:

Just thought this might interest you:
http://www.howtoeatacupcake.net/2008/08/mountain-dew-cupcakes-job-update.html

Okay, not really a question but I must say Sarah, YES that does interest me. What’s so interesting about it? I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this recently, but I LIKE MT. DEW. So much so that on the right side of the page you can find a “Mt. Dew Tracker” where I am keeping track of every Mt. Dew I consume throughout my son’s lifetime to see if it all would eventually add up to be enough to pay for his college tuition. It’ll be sad for him to someday find out that yes indeed, had I not drank so much Mt. Dew he could have afforded to go to college. But hey, the army needs new recruits too. See the world!

But you can help the cause by going HERE and signing my petition to get Pepsi to give me a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew so that I can someday send Chandler to college.

Anyway, back to THIS

A Mt. Dew cupcake! I checked out the site and the chef admits the cupcake doesn’t actually taste like Mt. Dew. But I give her credit for making an effort. Hopefully we can arrange for Chandler to have a Mt. Dew Cake for his 1st birthday. I’ve got about half a year left to convince mommy.

Thanks for the submission Sarah!

Got a question for me? Go to http://improvisingfatherhood.com/ask

What you gonna do with all that junk?

Who’s ready for another healthy dose of Father Knows Best?? Today’s question is provided by an anonymous source. Don’t worry “Anonymous”, your secret is safe with me. Their question is:

Will you feed Chandler “junk” food and when? How will you decide how much he can have? Or maybe I should say Who?

Normally I say something like, “Great question!” But you have actually opened up a sore subject between my wife and I. So it’s a good thing you submitted the question anonymously. Because it’s about to get real AWKWARD.

The other night I was enjoying a lovely milkshake at Fuddruckers, which was topped with whipped cream. My mother-in-law and I thought it would be fun to give Chandler his first taste of this delightful treat. My wife…DID NOT. I have been a very obedient husband when it comes to Chandler’s food intake. But with my mother-in-law egging me on I defied my wife and gave Chandler a finger full of whipped creamy goodness.

His response was pretty neutral. I looked at my wife to see what she was thinking. It was like one of those moments in a movie when they say, “It’s quiet…a little too quiet.”

So technically Chandler has had his first “junk” food. But this is only the beginning.

As you all may have noticed, I have a bit of an affection for Mt. Dew. I’m also a major candy consumer. A typical breakfast for me is two Twinkies and a Mt. Dew. I am not joking. I’m not.

Now as you read along and learn about my so-called “horribly unhealthy eating habits” you might be picturing me as this extremely out of shape pathetic looking man. In reality I am the perfect picture of health.

You might be wondering how I can maintain my girlish figure while cramming so much junk down my skinny little throat. (I’m eating Chex Mix and Dew as I write this) The key is: It’s all in your mind. Ever since I was young I have never believed that what I eat can have any effect on me. As a result, it never has.

I’m sure there are a lot of you who are thinking “BS! You just have a high metabolism and someday all those Twinkies will catch up with you and you’ll be HUGE!” Maybe that’s true, and someday that will make for one really funny post.

So my prevailing theory on “junk” food is that Chandler can have as much as he wants. That is MY theory. But the majority of my theories tend not to prevail in my household. In fact, most of my theories tend to be shot down like a jet flying over enemy airspace.

I have a feeling Chandler’s eating habits will vary greatly depending on the presence of his mother. But when I’m in charge it’ll be cheeseburgers, jelly beans, and Mt. Dew.

I’m an Originalist

Oh look! Nate ‘s answering yet another question from Father Knows Best? Gather round everybody! Today’s question comes from Stacey, author of Mommiverse. Let’s see what she asked me!

Hey Nate, I was just wondering if your Mt. Dew addiction carries over to their other occasional flavors, ie: the Halo and WoW Game Fuels, Code Red, etc.? Or are you a Dew Traditionalist?

All the best!

Stacey =)

Ooh…now we’re getting really personal. Great question Stacey. I’m not kidding when I say I get asked this a lot. The short answer is: I am a Dew Traditionalist.

The long answer is: I haven’t really tried any of the other versions of Mt. Dew. I think, if my memory serves me right (highly unlikely) I took a swig of Code Red once. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t Mt. Dew.

I remember the first time I had Mt. Dew. I can literally picture the entire event. It was a banner day for me. I was hanging out at my dad’s business, an indoor batting cage facility, when the Pepsi guy showed up with the latest shipment of soda tanks. This was a time when the tanks came pre-mixed so that the proprietor couldn’t mess with the soda/water ratio. The Pepsi guy told my dad he had a new product for us to try. It was Mt. Dew.

My dad hooked it up and he and I got our cups and poured ourselves our first taste of Mt. Dew. It was love at first drop. I was probably about 10 years old at that time. Since then I have pretty much been drinking Mt. Dew non-stop. It’s not that I’m addicted. I drink other drinks when Dew is not available. I’ve spent months at a time without consuming Mt. Dew because I was at a summer camp where no soda was available. I didn’t experience any kind of withdrawals.

I simply just love Mt. Dew. The way you love a person and HAVE to see that person everyday, that’s how I love the taste of Mt. Dew. Even with as much Dew as I have consumed over the years, I still take a sip sometimes, and turn to my wife and say, “Man this stuff is good!”

So if I have the choice, I always choose Dew. And there’s no need to try a different flavor of Mt. Dew, or a more extreme energized version of it. That is how I am with all foods. I always prefer the original.

Skittles? I only like the original flavors.

Cheeseburgers? Cheese and ketchup only.

Pizza? Cheese please.

In fact, my most favorite pizza joint is located in Kansas City and it is called “Original Pizza.” I find a taste I like and then I don’t mess with it. Life is too short to waste a whole meal on something that I might not like. What if this is my last meal? I don’t want my very last meal to be an experiment gone wrong.

And when I die, I want the last taste on my lips to be the sweet taste of Mt. Dew. The only way to make sure that happens is to keep drinking it as much as possible.

Geez, when did this blog become “Improvising Mt Dew Consumption”? I’ll try to make my next post a little more Chandler-centric. But hey, in the meantime why don’t you go and sign my petition. If this post wasn’t a testament to how deserving I am of a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew, then I don’t know what is!

Improvising Fatherhood gets published on CSMonitor.com

Excitement and gratitude. Those are the two emotions I’m feeling right now. Remember my article titled Being a dad: Play the character smart? Well today it got published in an international online newspaper, the world renowned Christian Science Monitor.

It got a bit of a haircut during the editorial process to make it a little more presentable for a larger more international audience, but the important punchlines are still there.

I am very grateful to everyone who was involved in helping me get to this place.

If you have found Improvising Fatherhood as a result of reading my article at CSMonitor.com, I hope you’ll take some time to read some more. You can also sign up for my newsletter on the right sidebar, submit a question for me to answer HERE, and help me get a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew so I can pay for my son’s college tuition HERE. There’s so much to do!

UPDATE: Also! As a result of being on the Christian Science Monitor I showed up on Yahoo’s news site.

Watch your head

Recently Father Knows Best? has become quite popular. I’ve got 2 more questions in the que, and I will be getting to them soon. I know I’ve been doing a lot of these lately but I’ve been busy and my time constraints have made coming up with ideas for new posts more challenging AND I’ve been receiving more questions than usual. So hopefully you don’t mind as I indulge in these Q&A sessions.

Today’s question comes from David Vienna, the author of The Daddy Complex. I’m just going to get this out there right now. I have a blog crush on The Daddy Complex.

(Awkward silence….)

Okay, so here’s his question:

What is the biggest parenting mistake you’ve made so far?

Geez. Way to go for the jugular David. Why don’t you just say it? You think I’m a bad father. I just professed my love for your blog and now you are trying to make me look like a fool!

Ahem…sorry about that. My wife, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and…anyone who has met me, says I tend to get defensive about things.

Okay, my worst parenting mistake? I don’t think I have made any mistakes so far that are going to scar Chandler for life or have any longterm effects on him. But I do remember one particular moment that made me feel like a horrible horrible parent.

This was a few months ago. I was putting Chandler into his Johnny Jump Up. The harness was practically touching the ground, so as I put him in it, he was only a few inches off the ground. As I was struggling to get his legs into the leg holes Chandler decided to make a break for it. He suddenly lunged forward and leapt out of my arms head first to the floor. I was still partially holding him by the waist, but his head made solid contact with the hardwood floor and his neck bent a little from weight of his body following after.

I immediately pulled him back up to me and did everything in my power to soothe him. He was SCREAMING. It was one of the few times I had heard him cry out in actual pain, and certainly the most extreme instance. I usually don’t worry about much, and I hate to say things like this, but I’ll admit I was scared.

After about five minutes he calmed down and he showed no signs of permanent damage. But that image is still in my head.

You’d think I’d learn from this experience, and to some extent I probably have. But one of the “parenting techniques” I implement on a regular basis would be evidence to the contrary. It’s something that at first drove my wife crazy. Now she just kind of laughs it off as she shakes her head at me. But man, if I had a Mt. Dew for every time she shook her head at me I wouldn’t need to petition for a lifetime supply of the world’s tastiest drink. Did you sign the petition and mail in the letter yet? Go do that and I’ll wait to finish my story until you get back. CLICK HERE.

Okay, so what I was saying is I’m probably not as protective of my son’s head as I should be. For example, any time I’m carrying Chandler through a doorway, his head will come dangerously close to hitting the door frame. Sometimes it actually makes contact. Instead of correcting my path, or holding him in a different position so his head isn’t dangling out in the air, I simply say, “Watch your head.”

“Watch your head, Chandler.”

Those are words to live by. If you remember nothing else in life. Watch your head.

This drives my wife nuts. She usually responds by saying, “He can’t watch his head. You have to watch it for him!” I get distracted by this, turn around to ask my wife what she means, and in the meantime I bump his head on the doorframe.

So if I had to sum up what I think my biggest mistake as a parent has been so far, it would be my rather nonchalant approach to protecting my child’s noggin. Hey, maybe Mt. Dew can send me a Mt. Dew branded “Extreme Parenting” helmet for Chandler to wear.

Comment and ye shall receive

Welcome to another edition of Father Knows Best? Today’s question was submitted by Joshua who writes shrepthegnar. His question wasn’t as much of a question as it was a really nice comment. He says:

Just wanted to let you know, your blog is awesome. You make fatherhood something to look forward to… along with the tumblr that will be created with the birth of my son.

But the point of Father Knows Best? is for me to answer questions. Luckily for you Joshua, I have the correct software needed to convert your statements into questions.

Just wanted to let you know, your blog is awesome? You make fatherhood something to look forward to? Along with the tumblr that will be created with the birth of my son?

Woah, that’s a lot of questions. Let’s get started.

First of all. Yes. My blog is awesome. Let’s discuss all the features and benefits that make my blog so rad-store.

Feature #1. Consistent content daily: For 6 months now I have been writing Improvising Fatherhood. It had a rocky start at the beginning, but I am now on a roll and am updating the site every day. Most days you’ll get a completely new article to read. But at the very least you are guaranteed to see a new picture of C-Rex and I.

Feature #2. Community: Unlike other bloggers out there that are successful and busy doing things like cashing paychecks, I have plenty of time to interact with my readers. And I do so in a variety of ways. “What kind of ways Nate?” Well, check it out. This right here is one of those ways. If you submit a question to me through the Father Knows Best? link on the right side of the page, I’ll answer it! If it’s not a question, I’ll make it a question. Also, if you submit a comment to one of my posts, I’ll reply. And if you want to become pen pals with me, you can send me an email at improvisingfatherhood(AT)gmail(dot)com.

Feature #3. Mt. Dew Tracker: How many other bloggers do you know that openly disclose the amount of Mt. Dew they consume on a daily basis? Don’t forget to help me earn a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew by signing the petition and sending in a letter to PepsiCo.

Okay, now on to the second question. “You make fatherhood something to look forward to?” Yes, yes I do. Then again I tend to make everything I do something to look forward to. I’m what you might call “ridiculously optimistic.” Remember the movie Saving Private Ryan? Remember that scene where they are storming the beach at Normandy and they are in the boat and are hearing the bullets of the enemy ping the side of the boat right before the gate opens and they jump out into the water? Well I’d be the guy sitting in that boat going, “Ooh! This is so exciting! I’ve never been to Normandy!”

The truth is, fatherhood IS something to look forward to. It’s unbelievable. Remember how much fun it was to have a gigapet that started out as a little digital egg and then hatched and grew and you could train it and feed it and stuff? Well a baby is WAY more fun than that and totally more lifelike.

It is so hard to describe exactly how good it feels to be a father. Then again, I’m having a hard time right now determining if I love Chandler so much it is making me tired, or I am just tired because he still doesn’t sleep through the night.

And now to your third question. “Along with the tumblr that will be created with the birth of my son?” Your wife is giving birth to a blog? Congratulations! I look forward to reading it someday.

Thanks Josh for your insightful questions. And as for the rest of you, don’t forget you can always ask me a question by going to http://improvisingfatherhood.com/ask . Do it! I dare you.

Petition: Give my father a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew

Recently I wrote about how my daddy is drinking away my college fund. Now, it’s not what you think. My dad is not a lush. He’s just huge fan of the sweet taste of Mt. Dew. If people had Mt. Dew running through their veins instead of blood, my dad would be a Vampire.

Well, I have mailed my letter to PepsiCo and am eagerly awaiting their response. But one letter alone might not do the trick. We need to make a splash and really grab Pepsi’s attention. So I am starting a petition. Right here in the comments section of this post, state your name and your support for my cause. We have to make this thing go viral and become an internet sensation. We have to show Mt. Dew how “extreme” the IF followers are.

Now, if you want to take it to another level and really help me get Pepsi’s attention, you can download the same letter I sent to them and mail it in yourself. Tricia Lynch is apparently in charge of handling these sorts of requests. Tricia might be able to ignore one of these letters landing on her desk. But what if she received 200 of them?

So come on! Get on board, sign your name in the petition, and send a letter to PepsiCo. Think of it this way: If my dad gets a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew, not only will he be able to afford to pay for my college, but he’ll be hosting Mt. Dew parties every weekend!

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE LETTER and send it to the following address.

Tricia Lynch 
PepsiCo 
700 Anderson Hill Road 
Purchase, NY 10577

UPDATE:

Thank you Heidi for being the first to sign and for sending in the letter!

Yes! 2 more signatures. Come on people! Keep them coming!

That food was solid

Today was another big day on a list of big days that happen in a child’s first year. Today Chandler got his first taste of solid food. That’s right. For a boy who loves to put everything in his mouth, the event of eating real food that wasn’t squeezed from a nipple (real or synthetic) is pretty monumental. But like he does with everything else, Chandler took it all in stride. So what did we give Chandler for his first solid meal? I’d like to say it was a real meaty steak. Or at least a McD’s cheeseburger. Actually I was lobbying for pureed Twinkies. (That sounds good. I think I’ll go have one right now) Alas, Chandler did not get to begin his career as a solids consumer by munching on a meaty morsel. I guess that makes a lot of sense considering he has no teeth. Instead of steak my wife concocted a pretty nasty looking bowl of puke pooridge. I’m not sure if that is the official name, but it is definitely an accurate description. The ingredients included baby oatmeal, breastmilk, and goop. I was unaware of this until today, but ‘goop’ is an actual ingredient.

Chandler’s main reaction to all of this seemed to be confusion. Ashley stuck a spoon full of the slop into Chandler’s eager little mouth and suddenly he didn’t seem so eager anymore. He didn’t outright reject the offering, but he also wasn’t clambering for more. As Ashley offered a second spoonful, he looked as if he was saying, “Alright, I’ll give this another shot.”

Then shot after shot he smacked his lips, swished his tongue around and looked at us as if to say, “No, I still don’t get it.” But like a trooper he kept trying.

He was such a good sport about it, I decided to offer him an alternative.

He seemed pretty excited about that.

Then later in the day we tried another solid snack. Avocado. If the jury is still out on the oatmeal case, it made it’s decision in record time in the case of Chandler V Avocado. And the decision is…

Avocado will be serving a life sentence in “never being liked by Chandler” penitentiary. The results from this round of solid food experimentation might be a little skewed. For some unknown reason Chandler became very fussy almost immediately after being placed in the high chair. We’re not sure what caused this sudden disruption. Rather than wait for him to calm down, we trudged along spooning mushy green goop into his mouth.

He wasn’t having it. Well, we were forcing him to have it. But he was not happy about it. And he made it abundantly clear.

Oh well, we can always try again next time. Tomorrow’s test subject. Beef Jerky!

My dad is drinking my college fund

Dear PepsiCo, Inc,

I am writing to you today to plead my case. Ever since I was born I have noticed that my father is almost always holding a glass, bottle, or can of a mysterious green beverage. I have since learned this mystery drink is your product, Mt. Dew.

My dad is constantly drinking Mt. Dew. All those cans of Dew have got to add up. I haven’t been keeping track since I was born, but I started a few days ago and I have to say his results are impressive. I am 5 months old, and from here on out I am going to track each and every Mt. Dew my dad drinks and keep a running tally of how much he spends. You can follow along on my twitter feed @mtdewtracker or see it right here on the side of my dad’s stupid blog.

So here’s my proposal. My dad has obviously been drinking this much Mt. Dew all his life. He’s a great customer for you. And your whole theme is about being “extreme!” and if any parent exhibits “Extreme Parenting” it’s my father. I’ve got the bumps to prove it. My dad would be a perfect spokesperson for Mt. Dew.

If you give my dad a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew, the money he saves by the time I’m 18 could easily put me through college. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t let my father drink my education away.

Thank you.

Chandler Smith