Daddy Fall Down

So recently I mentioned that my old nickname “E” has fallen away and Chandler no longer calls me that. But my old nickname is not the only thing that has fallen. In this house, I am constantly falling. 

You see, as a father, I don’t bring many skills to the table. But as a comedian, I am an expert fall guy. I can do pratfalls that would put me in the Chevy Chase Hall of Fame (if such a thing ever existed). And Chandler LOVES seeing me fall down. And if it looks like it hurt, that’s even better. And if Chandler gets to push me down, well that’s just the cherry on the top.

So recently I have earned a new name. I’ll come home from a  long day of hard work ready to see my loving family. And like out of a scene from “Daddy Knows Best” I’ll walk in the door and say, “I’m home!” As I walk up to my son to give him a hug I’m greeted with a push to the chest and “Daddy Fall Down!”

“But Chandler, can’t I get a hug first?”

“No, Daddy. Fall down!”

There have been times that I have gone to wake Chandler from a nap, and before his eyes are even open, just from hearing my voice, he will say, “Daddy Fall Down!”

“Here’s your juice Chandler.”

“Daddy Fall Down!”

“Okay Chandler, time to put your shoes on.”

“Daddy Fall Down!”

“Hey Chandler, want me to fall down?”

“Daddy Fall D - YES, PLEASE!”

And of course…I fall down every time.

A Tale of Two Giraffes

If you’re a long time follower of Improvising Fatherhood, you’ll recognize these giraffes. The giraffe on the left has been Chandler’s favorite stuffed animal all his life. And as you can see, when compared to the brand new one on the right, his giraffe has been well loved and taken everywhere. 

Ashley has wanted to swap out the original giraffe for the new one for quite some time now. I have been against this idea from the start. If you ask me, that giraffe isn’t dirty. It’s experienced. It’s not covered in filth. It’s covered in memories. 

Nevertheless, I supported my wife’s decision. Also, Chandler threw up on the giraffe today. We asked Chandler if he’d like it if giraffe took a bath and came back all clean. Chandler said yes and giraffe was whisked away. Moments later a sparking clean giraffe returned. 

Chandler’s expression was very telling.

Mom - “Chandler, aren’t you happy to see YOUR giraffe all clean now?”

Chandler - “Leon’s giraffe.”

Leon is Chandler’s friend who has the exact same giraffe, except his never leaves the room and looks brand new.

Mom - “No, this is Chandler’s giraffe. I gave him a bath and he’s all clean now!”

Chandler - “Nope.”

Later, as Ashley was putting Chandler to bed, he began throwing the giraffe across the room.

Ashley - “Chandler, do you want dirty giraffe back?”

Chandler - “Yes, ask daddy.”

He then went to the top of the stairs and called out to me, “DADDY! Dirty giraffe back!”

And so, Chandler is now peacefully cuddling up to his experience-riddled giraffe covered in his own memories.

How to have a relaxing flight

Step 1: Have a kid.

Step 2: Take your kid on a lot plane flights between the age of 1 and 2.

Step 3: Go on a flight without your kid.

Step 4: Laugh at all the non-parents who think traveling is stressful.

Go with the flow

In martial arts you learn to move without intent and to be connected to everything while being attached to nothing. You learn to hit without hitting. 

Using no way as way, having no limitation as limitation. - Bruce Lee

(this photo was taken a year ago…I would like the record to show my son is still very much alive)

These same ideas can be applied to parenting. Some parents (usually of the mom variety) will say this is just a lazy attempt to avoid planning. To that I will very maturely say, “I know you are but what am I?”

Tonight I was presented with a moment that demonstrated how powerful this concept of going with the flow can be. About a year ago the fam was at our favorite BBQ restaurant (we actually had them cater at our wedding….insert Father of the Bride quote here) when Chandler was tempted by the allure of the coin operated turd machines. You know, the machines with the 4 slots (only two of which you are supposed to actually use) that you stick the quarters in, then you push the handle in, pull it back out, and out comes a cardboard sleeve with some sort of sticker type item that isn’t worth fifty cents let alone a turd? Yeah, one of those machines.

Chandler LOVES putting coins into slots. It doesn’t really matter if he gets a prize for it. The sheer joy of sticking the coin into the slot and watching it disappear is reward enough for him. He saw the coin operated turd machines and went absolutely bonkers. At first I was like, “Ugh, this going to be something horrible.” Then I saw that one of the turd machines had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fake tattoos. That’s when I went absolutely bonkers. 

We got two. Fun times were had by all.

When we got home I was desperate to plaster a TMNTattoo on my 1-year-old and then post photos of that all over the internet(s). Chandler had other ideas. By other ideas I mean “NO”, “NO, PLEASE”, and “Aw HELL no, daddy!” 

Not wanting to traumatize my son, and more importantly not wanting to waste a perfectly good Leonardo fake tattoo, I decided not to push it. The Fattoos were safely stored in a desk drawer, to patiently await their moment.

Fast forward to today. The fam is once again at our favorite BBQ joint. Chandler is on his way to stick some coins in his favorite candy dispensing slots, when suddenly he is caught by the siren songs of the COTMs. I had to very craftily steer him away from the tramp stamps and back towards the cutesy animal tattoos.

Fifty cents later we walked away with some cute little froggies which I was certain would never feel the soft touch of my son’s skin (is that sentence okay to print?).

When we got home we asked Chandler if he wanted to put the tattoos on. He said, “no, please,” but something in his eyes said yes. We decided it’d be a good idea if I put one on myself first. Ashley applied it to my belly while Chandler helped hold me down. I’d post a picture of it, but no one wants to see that. (But if you follow me on twitter, I’ll tweet it to you).

Chandler enjoyed this, but still wasn’t sold on the idea. So we decided to give Mommy the second tattoo. Now we have matching frog tattoos on our tummies (I’m not allowed to refer to Ashley’s stomach as a belly…again). 

Now we were out of tattoos…until I remembered the Ninja Turtle tattoos sitting in my desk! I asked Chandler if he wanted a ninja tattoo that had a turtle holding swords. These were buzz words that were sure to reel him in. And they almost did, but the line was not strong enough to hold this big fish. 

I backed off and we headed upstairs for bed time. While going through his usual stall tactics, Chandler had an epiphany. He suddenly requested a tattoo. Brilliant. This was going to buy him so much time. I quickly ran downstairs to get the tattoo. I came back up and Chandler was ready to go. We asked him if he wanted it to put it on his tummy like we did. He shook his head and said, “Arm.” It was like he had been planning this all along.

In the end, it was because I initially let go of my intention of tattooing my son that I was eventually able to successfully do it. Because I was able to stay unattached to my foolish desires, my son now has Leonardo attached to his arm.

So, dear internet reader, if you’ve stuck with this story this long, here is where you will be rewarded. I will now show you awesome photos of my son rocking a Ninja Turtle Tattoo. Enjoy.

Jokestrong

Chandler: (talking about the mini basketballs he was holding) Bofe balls.

Me: Yeah, that’s right. You have both balls. That’s more than Lance Armstrong can say.