Improvising Fatherhood

Apparently I am hell bent on making sure my son needs therapy...

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 17:48:05 -0800

Apparently I am hell bent on making sure my son needs therapy someday.

Playing on our computers.

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:56:29 -0800

Playing on our computers.

Mt. Dew Cupcakes!?!

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:54:56 -0800

Well here we are with yet another exciting edition of Father Knows Best? For those of you new to Improvising Fatherhood, FNB? is a segment where I answer any questions you submit to me. You can submit your questions HERE.

Today’s question is submitted by Sarah from Life as a Working Mummy, and is pretty intriguing. She says:

Just thought this might interest you:
http://www.howtoeatacupcake.net/2008/08/mountain-dew-cupcakes-job-update.html

Okay, not really a question but I must say Sarah, YES that does interest me. What’s so interesting about it? I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this recently, but I LIKE MT. DEW. So much so that on the right side of the page you can find a “Mt. Dew Tracker” where I am keeping track of every Mt. Dew I consume throughout my son’s lifetime to see if it all would eventually add up to be enough to pay for his college tuition. It’ll be sad for him to someday find out that yes indeed, had I not drank so much Mt. Dew he could have afforded to go to college. But hey, the army needs new recruits too. See the world!

But you can help the cause by going HERE and signing my petition to get Pepsi to give me a lifetime supply of Mt. Dew so that I can someday send Chandler to college.

Anyway, back to THIS

A Mt. Dew cupcake! I checked out the site and the chef admits the cupcake doesn’t actually taste like Mt. Dew. But I give her credit for making an effort. Hopefully we can arrange for Chandler to have a Mt. Dew Cake for his 1st birthday. I’ve got about half a year left to convince mommy.

Thanks for the submission Sarah!

Got a question for me? Go to http://improvisingfatherhood.com/ask

Guest Post: Jennepper.com - The Picture of Perfect Parenting

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 10:48:46 -0800

Lately my wife and I have been dealing with some marital issues. You see, my wife has been seeing someone behind my back. To make things worse, it’s a woman. Don’t worry, I’m not saying my wife is cheating on me in the sexual sense of the word. But in my world it’s almost worse.

It all started when I was sitting at my desk feverishly checking my blog stats when I heard my wife chuckle. I assumed she was reading my latest masterpiece. Then I heard yet another laugh. This one louder than the last. A feeling of pride swelled up inside me. Then I remembered she had already read my post from that day. What was she reading? I confronted her. She brazenly admitted her infidelity and told me she had been reading another woman’s blog for months.

Jennepper.com is a home wrecker. But more importantly it’s a very funny blog written by a very funny mother. If you aren’t already following Jennepper, I highly recommend you do. But…please don’t leave me for her.

Jennepper and I have agreed to swap posts today. Below is a post she wrote recently about her trials in sleep training. I have been going through very similar experiences lately. In fact, as I write this I can hear my little boy screaming his head off and I’m watching the clock to see when it’s time for me to go help him. And….NOW.

Okay, I’m back and now he’s sleeping like a…wait, why do they say sleeping like a baby? Baby’s are horrible at sleeping!

Anyway, without further ado, here is a very funny post from Jennepper.com.

The Picture of Perfect Parenting - via Jennepper.com

The easiest way to screw up your baby’s awesome sleep habits is to talk about how awesome they are.

At the beginning of July, we were visiting with friends who asked about how well Olivia sleeps. Doesn’t everyone? “Is she a good sleeper?” “Does she sleep through the night?” Because they want to know if your baby is good or bad.

If your baby sleeps through the night, it = Good Baby.
If your baby does not, it = Asshole.
Or that’s how people kind of act about it, anyway.

In July? Olivia was clocking 12 solid hours of sleep per night. Not a peep for 12 hours.
TWELVE.
GLORIOUS.
HOURS.

I know what you’re thinking! I do! Smug, smug Jennepper. Someone should really hit you in the face. Preferably with a fist. You are right, and nobody did, but I still have dark circles under my eyes because the very night I bragged to my friends about my TWELVE! GLORIOUS! HOURS! of sleep? The very same night? It turned into more like TWO GLORIOUS HOURS and maybe THREE if I’m feeling generous!

Bwahahahahaha! (That is you. Evil laughing. At me. Because I’m an idiot.)

And so we decided that this absolutely had to stop, and so we were going to let her cry a little bit. Especially because her bedtime routine consisted of 45 minutes of us feeding her and rocking her and shushing her and losing our damn minds while she alternated crying and smiling in our faces after we picked her up out of the crib.

Nothing more infuriating than a baby smiling at you, right?

The first night, I fed her, told her good night, and put her in the crib with a blankie. I left the room and she screamed her bloody head off. I intended to go back to her in 5 minutes, but she fell asleep after 4 and didn’t wake up for 4 hours.

So we’ve been letting her “cry” which usually means about 2 or 3 minutes of whining, followed by 2 or 3 minutes of panting like a dog while she plays with her feet, followed by 5 or 6 hours of consecutive sleep. Her naps have even been really easy with the whole blankie and laying alone crap.

I’m sure I totally screwed myself just now.

Anyway, yesterday morning, Olivia was doing a little whiny, pouty cry that usually means that she will go back to sleep. And OF COURSE I ignored her because SLEEP TRAINING! GAHD! And she did fall back asleep.

An hour and a half later, when we had to leave to go to the babysitter, I went in to find Olivia sleeping peacefully like this:

Titled: Crib of Doom: Good Luck Living Through the Night, Olivia.

And so I did what any good mom would do.
I got the camera. Because, Blog.

I have labeled the photo for you, lest you miss any of the horrible, awful, really bad, no good, murderous things that I subject Olivia to every night.

A: Bumper. Because it’s easier than holding a pillow over her face?*

B: The skirt that I accidentally tucked into the mattress pad like, I don’t know, a month ago? And I stare at it every single time I feed Olivia and I think that it looks like shit but I HATE taking the mattress out of the crib and so I just stare at it and get mad because that sort of thing seems rational at 4 in the morning.

C: Blanket! Blanket! * dangles baby off of balcony *

D: Baybee Thigh. NOM.

E: Other leg, dangerously close to going through the slat. But we are sleep training so Just Deal With It Olivia, GOD, you freaking baby, what could you possibly be crying about now?

F: Bumper of death, not even tied. You know why? Because I found her playing with it the other day and I thought, “Oh hahahahaha! That is hilarious!” and so I left it undone because I am a really, really responsible person. And, you know, because giving her a toy would be almost too much work for me.

Not labeled: Belly Sleeping. The Devil. Wait - I think CPS is knocking on my door.

*OK, I don’t know if that was too awful to type. But seriously? What is the big danger with bumpers? Especially once your preshus can move all around and, I don’t know, stick her legs out of the slats of the crib?

Olivia slept TWELVE GLORIOUS HOURS last night. But I went in to check on her FOUR HUNDRED NOT GLORIOUS TIMES to make sure that she and all of her limbs were actually inside her crib.

Because if they weren’t? I’d need to get a picture of it.

****

This weekend, I’m going to make a new food for Olivia to try and I will take pictures and write a post for all you sooper nice people who asked.
Also? I think you should know that Olivia ate an entire tablespoon of green beans yesterday and seemed to love them. We should have named her Sybil.

And for all you wiley Internetters who find me on FB…I love new FB friends - they make me feel pretty and popular! But can you give me a heads up when you add me? Like, hey, I hate your blog and now I want to hate you on FB, too? Just so I know you’re not a random weirdo who wants to spam me with ads for breast enhancement products (because clearly I do not need them).

In this photo one of us has poop in our pants. Can you guess...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:00:00 -0800

In this photo one of us has poop in our pants. Can you guess which one?

Improvising Fatherhood: Make a positive choice

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 09:31:49 -0800

In improv we learn that usually the most successful choice you can make onstage is a positive one. If you are in a scene and your scene partner gives you terrible news, it is easy to then react in a negative manner. Some would even say this is the correct response because you are then being more truthful. Truth in comedy is important, indeed. But who says you HAVE to react negatively to bad news?

Imagine a scene where the boss character comes in and fires you. A natural reaction would be to argue about it, or maybe cry, or go on a pantomimed office shooting spree. But what if instead of taking a negative approach to this news, you said, “Great!” First of all that would probably catch your scene partner off guard, putting him on his toes, which could lead to something totally unexpected.

Even more so, taking this positive approach opens up a whole world of possibilities. “I’m fired? Awesome! Now I can pursue my life’s dream of being the world’s most premiere Bee-Keeper!” That’s just one of the millions of possibilities, but if you ask me, that is DEFINITELY the best possible response. So write that down for the next time you are improvising a scene about getting fired.

The point is, staying positive in improv almost always leads to better results than taking the negative route. I am discovering that this holds true in parenting as well.

Recently Chandler has made some major upgrades to his mobility. When you set him down he takes a moment to lock onto a target and then starts barreling towards it. On the way he’ll acquire a new target and change course. He’s like a heat seeking missile with ADD.

His constant desire to be on the move coupled with his fledgling motor skills has really increased his potential for having “ouchies.” When a child gets hurt there are two main ways a parent can deal with it. Most parents end up on one end of the spectrum or the other.

On one side you have the doting parent who rushes to their child’s aid the moment they witness the accident. They pick the kid up and do everything in their power to soothe their baby.

The other end of the spectrum is where I sit. Whenever Chandler falls down or bumps his head, I don’t rush to see if he is okay. I don’t kiss it to make it better. Instead, I cheer.

The difference in the result you get is astounding. When a parent rushes to their child’s aid their faces will often display fear or worry. Our children are extremely receptive to this. Every time we do it, we are training them to believe that what just happened is worth crying about. After a while, they won’t need your help to know when to cry. In fact, they’ll start making up their own minds about when it’s an appropriate time to cry and usually this results in a child who cries more often than not.

So what I’m doing is training Chandler in the opposite direction. Every time he falls down I go, “Yay! Good Job!” I make sure to have the most excited and happy face I can. If the fall looked particularly rough I’ll pick him up right away but I’ll make sure to turn him so he can see my face as I cheer him on.

The result is pretty amazing. Most of the time he is not hurt at all and seeing that I am so excited he realizes it was no big deal and goes on about his business. For the times that he actually is stunned or even in pain, he still looks to me to see what he should do. As I cheer him on he’ll give me this confused look as if to say, “Wait, are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure that hurt. Can I get a second opinion?” But I won’t give in. I’ll cheer even harder and smile even bigger. Then his confused little quivering lip will convert into a smile and suddenly he’s on the move again.

The beauty of this is he is learning that a little bump in the head is not something that needs to slow him down. This will do wonders to turn him into a fearless little warrior who will leap head first into challenges. Last night my wife was telling me about how Chandler had fallen pretty hard twice while I was at work but that both times he just got up and kept going. I told her, “My training is working!” She just shook her head at me. Even though my wife is seeing the results in real time, she still doesn’t believe in my methods. She’s on the other end of the spectrum.

I of course learned this style of parenting from my parents. I grew up in a very sports oriented family and so bumps and bruises were par for the course. As I continued to grow up my father had a rule that I vividly remember him telling my sister and I. He would say, “Don’t say ouch.” The idea behind this was that we, like most kids, would say ‘ouch’ for everything. Usually we weren’t hurt at all, but for some reason we felt the need to voice the fact that what just happened was potentially painful. And so my father trained us not to. If it really and truly hurt then we’d be in tears and that was okay. But if it wasn’t actually that painful, there was no need for us to say ‘ouch.’

This was an amazingly simple method for making my sister and I tough kids. I took this rule as a challenge and tried to never voice my pain in any situation. I could have had my arm cut off and instead of crying out in pain I’d ask my dad where the staple gun was.

I plan on passing this method along to Chandler, but if I ever see him looking for our staple gun I’ll be sure to check on him.

The 6th submission for the Improvising Fatherhood Photoshop...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 04:00:00 -0800

The 6th submission for the Improvising Fatherhood Photoshop Contest really went after one of my soft spots. I would love nothing more than for my son to grow up to be a scallywag.

Want to know more about the Improvising Fatherhood Photoshop Contest? CLICK HERE.

The 5th submission for the Improvising Fatherhood Photoshop...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 02:00:00 -0800

The 5th submission for the Improvising Fatherhood Photoshop Contest makes a bit of a political statement. I’m not sure if Chandler is preparing to eat all these chickens or if he is protesting the situation.

If you’d like to submit a photo for this contest, there’s still time! CLICK HERE.

Sharing some tunes.

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:53:18 -0800

Sharing some tunes.

And here is the 4th submission to the Improvising Fatherhood...

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 19:00:00 -0800

And here is the 4th submission to the Improvising Fatherhood Photoshop Contest. It was submitted by my Mother-in-Law. I think this one is “cute.”

If you want to know what the contest is all about CLICK HERE.

The third official submission for the Improvising Fatherhood...

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:54:01 -0800

The third official submission for the Improvising Fatherhood Photoshop Contest was a collaboration between my mother and my wife.

Man, 3 submissions! This contest is really taking off! The deadline is Monday night at 11:59pm. CLICK HERE to play along!

Chandler and I at the top of the stairs after he successfully...

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 14:00:00 -0800

Chandler and I at the top of the stairs after he successfully climbed all the way up without any help. In this shot he was saying, “Okay let’s go back down and do it again!”

Today could be trouble.

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:00:00 -0800

Today could be trouble.

What you gonna do with all that junk?

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 08:55:00 -0800

Who’s ready for another healthy dose of Father Knows Best?? Today’s question is provided by an anonymous source. Don’t worry “Anonymous”, your secret is safe with me. Their question is:

Will you feed Chandler “junk” food and when? How will you decide how much he can have? Or maybe I should say Who?

Normally I say something like, “Great question!” But you have actually opened up a sore subject between my wife and I. So it’s a good thing you submitted the question anonymously. Because it’s about to get real AWKWARD.

The other night I was enjoying a lovely milkshake at Fuddruckers, which was topped with whipped cream. My mother-in-law and I thought it would be fun to give Chandler his first taste of this delightful treat. My wife…DID NOT. I have been a very obedient husband when it comes to Chandler’s food intake. But with my mother-in-law egging me on I defied my wife and gave Chandler a finger full of whipped creamy goodness.

His response was pretty neutral. I looked at my wife to see what she was thinking. It was like one of those moments in a movie when they say, “It’s quiet…a little too quiet.”

So technically Chandler has had his first “junk” food. But this is only the beginning.

As you all may have noticed, I have a bit of an affection for Mt. Dew. I’m also a major candy consumer. A typical breakfast for me is two Twinkies and a Mt. Dew. I am not joking. I’m not.

Now as you read along and learn about my so-called “horribly unhealthy eating habits” you might be picturing me as this extremely out of shape pathetic looking man. In reality I am the perfect picture of health.

You might be wondering how I can maintain my girlish figure while cramming so much junk down my skinny little throat. (I’m eating Chex Mix and Dew as I write this) The key is: It’s all in your mind. Ever since I was young I have never believed that what I eat can have any effect on me. As a result, it never has.

I’m sure there are a lot of you who are thinking “BS! You just have a high metabolism and someday all those Twinkies will catch up with you and you’ll be HUGE!” Maybe that’s true, and someday that will make for one really funny post.

So my prevailing theory on “junk” food is that Chandler can have as much as he wants. That is MY theory. But the majority of my theories tend not to prevail in my household. In fact, most of my theories tend to be shot down like a jet flying over enemy airspace.

I have a feeling Chandler’s eating habits will vary greatly depending on the presence of his mother. But when I’m in charge it’ll be cheeseburgers, jelly beans, and Mt. Dew.

Dad went all “Mike Tyson” on me!

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 17:38:04 -0800

Dad went all “Mike Tyson” on me!

Chandler had his first taste of whipped cream today, much to...

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:07:56 -0800

Chandler had his first taste of whipped cream today, much to Mommy’s chagrin. This photo reminds me of this classic moment.

Chandler is on Paci-FIRE!

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 13:20:04 -0800

I’ve spent a lot of time writing about what an amazing son I have. I always try to avoid the appearance of bragging and instead I try to give off the impression that I am simply documenting my child’s progress.

“He’s 3 months old and he’s turning over. Is that different or something?”

“Oh he just happens to be crawling at just 5 months. Is that not normal?”

“My son is 6 months old and he’s writing his memoirs. Neat, huh?”

But we all see right through my crap and know what I’m doing. I’m bragging. I carry my son into social situations just looking for a chance to show him off. Remember when you were a kid and you got a new remote control car and you would walk up to a group of your friends hanging out in the neighborhood and you would set down your car and let it rip all around their feet? That’s kind of what I do with Chandler.

I walk up to groups of moms holding their little lumps they call babies and I set Chandler down at their feet. To be really impressive I start him on his back so the first trick he does is turn over. Then he’ll start crawling. Those moms just got pwned!

BUT…those moms always have the ultimate comeback. They’ll act like they are happy for me and my talented child, and then they’ll look up at me and say, “Is he sleeping through the night?” At that point my wife will start crying and run away as I attempt to gather up my Tazmanian Devil child and catch up with my weeping wife.

UNTIL…now! Chandler has once again upped his game and has all but mastered the pacifier. It was only a few weeks ago that if Chandler’s pacifier fell out of his mouth it was as if a security alarm got tripped. He would go into hysterics until the pacifier was put back in his mouth. It was because of this that Ashley and I chose to only use a pacifier when he was supposed to be sleeping. We didn’t want him to become dependent on a pacifier.

Then it was as if he had an epiphany one day. He watched as we put his pacifier back in his mouth and noticed we were using our hands. And then he realized he had been using his hands for several months to pick stuff up. Then it hit him. “What if I use MY hands to pick up the pacifier, and then…stay with me on this one, instead of throwing it on the ground I will put it in my mouth!”

That was only the beginning. At first he was putting the pacifier in his mouth…or near his mouth but he wasn’t always putting it in the right direction. Sometimes he would put it in backwards which didn’t really provide the same pacification that he had grown to love. But with a lot of practice he has now gotten to the point where he can successfully put the pacifier in facing the right direction every time. He still struggles with it being upside down sometimes, but I have a feeling that soon he’ll get that down too.

So with this new development, Chandler has now empowered himself to put his own pacifier back in his mouth in the middle of the night. And just to make sure that he can find a pacifier in the middle of the night, we have loaded up his crib full of extra pacifiers. His crib is like a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, but instead of balls, it’s full of pacifiers.

The result? Last night Chandler only cried out one time. I waited a few moments and suddenly the crying stopped. He slept through the whole night (with 2 late night meals provided by mom) and didn’t wake up until 7:10am.

Now I can’t wait to walk up to a group of moms, set him free to show off his amazing skills, and then wait for one of them to ask if he sleeps through the night.

“Yeah, he sleeps through the night. Is that a big deal or something?”

“Dad, I thought you said we were going no shirts for this...

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:00:00 -0800

“Dad, I thought you said we were going no shirts for this shot.”

Half a year!

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:25:00 -0800

Today is Chandler’s 6 month birthday. It’s a little confusing because he was born on August 30th and so his 6 month birthday should have been on February 30th. But in case you hadn’t noticed February decided to end early and March is having to pick up the slack.

I thought today would be a good day to go back through the archives and reminisce on all of Chandler’s greatest moments. This post will kind of be like when your favorite sitcom does one of those highlight episodes that doesn’t show you much new content but basically rehashes a lot of old content. At first you’re like, “Oh man, I don’t want to watch a bunch of re-mixed re-runs of this show. I want a new episode!” But then after a few good highlights you sit back and think, “Man, I forgot how AWESOME this show is.”

Okay, here goes. This first picture was taken on the day Chandler was born.

See how gentle I am as I hold my baby. Oh, wait…that’s a Mt. Dew. As you can see I was pretty excited in this picture because I hadn’t had a Dew all day. Also my wife had just had a baby.

In this next picture Chandler and I are perfecting our father/son “toss the skittle into your baby’s mouth” routine. We’ll soon be taking it around to county fairs and carnivals.

And who could forget when Chandler grew his first French Fry Mustache?

And what about that time Chandler lost his hand in a horrible pumpkining accident!

Don’t worry, it grew back.

During the last 6 months Chandler has shown us he is a pretty talented guy. First he proved to be quit the little trumpet player. Listen to him as he toots his own horn (with Mom’s help).

We’re not sure where he got this from, but apparently he is a good rapper.

He’s also a board game mastermind.

He’s had a lot of firsts, like Halloween…

…bathing…

…and solid food…

Chandler has done quite a bit in his first 6 months. But his most favorite thing to do is PLAY!

It’s been a great 6 months, but this is only the beginning.

Here is the second submission for the Improvising Fatherhood...

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 21:36:17 -0800

Here is the second submission for the Improvising Fatherhood Photoshop Contest. I love this one, but it was submitted by my wife and she is not eligible to win. Thanks for playing, honey!

Do you want to join the contest? CLICK HERE!