Improvising Fatherhood

Behind the glass: Chandler is getting some practice at taking...

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 22:08:33 -0700

Behind the glass: Chandler is getting some practice at taking visitors in jail. In the top right picture you can see he has fashioned a shiv out of a carrot.

"Mommy says I’m not allowed to use expletives when describing how cute my son is, but I really..."

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:30:00 -0700

“Mommy says I’m not allowed to use expletives when describing how cute my son is, but I really don’t think polite words can really capture the sentiment I’m going for.”

Watch your step

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:06:00 -0700

As I walk through my living room I feel as though I am behind enemy lines. Take one wrong step and you hear the subtle crack of a cheerio crushing beneath your heel. Brush against a toy as you pass and an annoyingly chipper musical alarm is set off. Set down your iPhone and turn your back for a second and it is whisked away by tiny ninja hands. My 11 month old son has booby trapped my entire house.

I live in fear.

"I have the strangest sensation today. I feel…rested."

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 09:56:36 -0700

“I have the strangest sensation today. I feel…rested.”

Our 3 car garage.

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 21:44:17 -0700

Our 3 car garage.

Cinematic evidence of Chandler walking. You can tell he already...

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 15:02:28 -0700

Cinematic evidence of Chandler walking. You can tell he already feels like an internet celebrity because at the end he pulls the camera out of my hands and then beats me within an inch of my life.

A study shows that 1 out of 1 Chandler Smiths prefer walking over crawling

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 08:00:00 -0700

It’s pretty amazing to watch a living organism evolve right before your eyes. I know this because I have played the game Spore. But also I know this because this week Chandler made the official switch from crawling to walking.

He’s been experimenting with the upright mode of transportation for a few weeks now. He got to a point where he could definitely take steps, but walking still wasn’t his go to move. If he needed to get somewhere quick and easy, it was back to crawling.

Well this weekend that all changed. I don’t know if he just finally gained enough confidence, or if he was having trouble with his knees and had a Lethal Weapon moment where he said, “I’m too old for this shit.” (My son isn’t potty trained and neither is his mouth) Whatever the reason was, Chandler is now a walking man.

I’ve noticed he seems to do better if he has something in his hands. I think this is because concentrating on what’s in his hands takes his mind off the walking and let’s his feet do what they should be naturally doing. I also think the need to carry things around might have been part of Chandler’s motivation to get up on two feet. Crawling with a toy truck in your hand is no picnic, but then again neither is eating at your dining room table…I mean literally that’s not a picnic.

To encourage Chandler’s upward mobility we have started placing items in his hands at every opportunity. We started out with soft stuffed animals, but I have progressed to sharper things, like butterfly knives. Kids love butterflies.

Actually, we’ve seized the diem (or carpe’d the day) and turned Chandler into our very own extremely unreliable internal courier service. If Mommy is in the kitchen with Chandler and Daddy is slaving away in the living room on yet another grueling level of a video game and needs a delicious beverage to help him keep going strong, Mommy will send Chandler over to Daddy with an ice cold Mt Dew.

And if Daddy is in the living room working hard on yet another brilliantly insightful Facebook status update and can’t see his screen because there are too many empty Mt Dew cans in the way, and Mommy is still in the kitchen (doing God knows what in there…seriously, why is she always in there? And when is dinner going to be ready?) and Daddy wants Chandler to take some Mt Dew cans to the recycling, Daddy will give Chandler a few to hold and also stuff some down his onsie. It really is a good system.

So needless to say we are quite excited for Chandler to have taken this major step in his development (oh you know that pun was TOTALLY intended!), and not just because it benefits me so much. It’s also a lot of fun to see the excitement in his eyes as he realizes he can do it. It’s as if Chandler realizes that he is now that much closer to being a runway model, a Texas Ranger of the walking variety, or even a metal contraption with tennis balls on the bottom that helps old people get around.

So what’s next? Chandler can walk the walk, but when will he talk the talk? Stay tuned.

Something else that is funny

Sun, 18 Jul 2010 00:42:54 -0700

Something else that is funny:

Hey Tumblr followers, I would appreciate it if you would also follow my natesmithcomedy.com Tumblr. It’s a site where I mostly just post one liners (these days known as “status updates”). But don’t worry it won’t flood your dashboard. Although, on days I don’t manage to update here at IF, there’s a good chance I posted a little something at natesmithcomedy.com.

"My baby is a tech nerd."

Sat, 17 Jul 2010 16:59:16 -0700

“My baby is a tech nerd.”

Mommy just got this toy for Chandler. There’s something...

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 22:24:49 -0700

Mommy just got this toy for Chandler. There’s something about the name of this toy that makes Daddy cringe.

"As I walked around at work yesterday, something weird happened. I didn’t step on any Cheerios...."

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 06:39:00 -0700

“As I walked around at work yesterday, something weird happened. I didn’t step on any Cheerios. It was very unsettling.”

What is Improvising Fatherhood?

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 13:04:00 -0700

I have to start this post by apologizing to two people. First to the anonymous person who submitted a question about what Chandler’s favorite toys are, and second to fellow Tumblr-er nicodemehedo who says IF “has kind of stopped being a parenting blog.”

First things first. An anonymous inquisitor asked

Does Chandler like the tent/tunnel/balls thing that you got him? I’m thinking of getting one for my daughter’s 1st birthday. If not, what are some of his favorite toys?

Chandler does like the Ball Tent quite a bit. He specifically likes sitting in the middle of the balls and having them pushed all around him by Mom or Dad. Also, for a while we took the Tent down and just left the tunnel sitting out in the middle of our kitchen. Every now and then he would tumble on through it as if he had decided to take the scenic route.

Another one of Chandler’s favorite toys right now is his blue car. He LOVES cruising for chicks in it. Other than that, Chandler is generally enamored with any toy that makes noise, and just about anything that has a tag on it. He loves tags.

Chandler also likes playing with Mommy’s face. Lately he has been doing this thing where he will grab her face and make her look at him, and then release her and go about his business. So if you don’t have a face, I highly recommend getting one. (If you actually don’t have a face, I am REALLY sorry for that crass joke.)

If you are thinking about getting the Ball Tent for your daughter’s 1st birthday, I support that decision. Also, do you have entertainment for her 1st birthday? If not I’ve got another recommendation to make.

Hope that answers your question.

Okay, now on to the second issue at hand. Today I saw that my recent post of a picture of Chandler on a dog leash was re-blogged by nicodemehedo. My first thought was, “Yay!” In Tumblr-ville a re-blogging someone’s post is a sign of affection. Then I read the comment on the re-blog.

Putting a leash on your child isn’t parenting. This has kind of stopped being a parenting blog.

So my second thought was, “Huh?” I can’t tell if this blogger is being serious or if they are being playful or something else. But since their blog doesn’t give any options for commenting or contacting them, I thought I would leave my comments here.

As far as leashing your child goes, I’m against it. I actually already talked about this HERE where I say

putting your kid on a leash is really just lazy parenting. If you don’t teach your kids not to run into oncoming traffic, the day that you let your kid off the leash…BAM! Hit by a bus. And then you have to get a new kid.

But I want to address the bigger issue in nicodemehedo’s comment. Improvising Fatherhood has kind of stopped being a parenting blog. Actually, Improvising Fatherhood is not a parenting blog. It’s a blog about a parent. It’s a comedy blog.

I’m a comedian. I’m a writer. And I’m a father. When I became a father my entire perspective on life was altered. Comedians are always looking for “material” to talk about. When I became a father I suddenly had a whole new world of material to discuss. This blog is dedicated to that world.

So Improvising Fatherhood is a blog and it most often talks about parenting. Oddly enough, I know a lot of people who are not parents, and yet they love the blog too. Improvising Fatherhood is not a parenting blog. It’s a funny blog that parents can relate to.

Improvising Fatherhood is my sense of humor through the lens of being a father. I hope you like it.

UPDATE: Nicodemehedo just sent me this message.

The “This has kind of stopped being a parenting blog” comment was intended to be facetious. I’m sorry that it didn’t translate in the text. My bad. :x

Thanks Nico for your response. I’m glad to know you still like IF. And either way, I was happy to have your comment spark that post. By the way, has anyone ever told you that you write like Kurt Vonnegut? :)

I never thought I would be a fan of putting my child on a leash,...

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 08:59:18 -0700

I never thought I would be a fan of putting my child on a leash, but he has left me with no choice. What I like about this picture is how defeated he looks. It’s like he’s thinking, “Oh boy, Dad’s doing one of his jokes again.” Don’t worry, he didn’t stay defeated for very long. He eventually turned it on me and tried to strangle me with the leash.

Antique Blogs

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 08:00:00 -0700

I know what you’re thinking…”Oh, the guy gets 1000 followers and then he thinks he doesn’t need to write any more posts.” Well don’t worry. And stop being so snarky. I’m still here. I’d like to say the reason I haven’t posted in a few days is because I was busy thwarting an international crime ring while driving around in hot cars with fast women.

In reality the activity that has been taking my time is…reading. I don’t do it much, but when I do, it takes quite a bit of effort. You see, I’m not really a good reader. I know that’s ironic considering I’m a writer. The thing is, I love to write, but I hate to read. Just like I love to talk but I hate to listen. And I love to punch people but I hate getting punched.

So if I’m going to read something it has to really catch my attention. You know, like billboards, “caution: wet paint” signs, and Facebook. But when I was growing up I remember we had these things called books. They were sort of like blogs, except they were written with proper grammar and the authors got paid for writing them. Sounds pretty great, right? Every now and then we like to take Chandler to the library, or as I like to call it, the book museum, and tell him about the good old days when you could enjoy the satisfaction of a good book burning as opposed to the modern day version of a book deleting.

Little did I know there are still writers out there getting paid to write books, or as I like to call them, antique blogs. Recently one book in particular caught my eye. And it doesn’t even have pictures!

“Your Name Here: A Guide to Life (The Book You’d Have Written if only You’d Had the Time” is written by Michael Rosenbaum, the Dadblogger at www.5minutesforparenting.com, and is a delightful bag of snack sized lessons for life. Each lesson is tastier than the last one and much like a box of Wheat Thins, you keep thinking you are going to put it down and yet you just keep munching away until the next thing you know you are full of really good advice.

I have to admit, this is definitely the kind of book I would have written if only I had the time. Rosenbaum has a great sense of humor and a very light hearted approach to a very serious topic: your life.

Rosenbaum is a smart guy. He’s smart enough to know that he doesn’t know it all. So his book is a compilation of insights gathered from everyday people he’s been meeting…well…everyday. What’s really nice about it is I can put it down momentarily to fend off an attack from my little C-Rex and then pick it up later, flip to anywhere in the book, and get something great out of it.

At the beginning of the book Rosenbaum encourages the readers to share their own stories of life lessons they’ve learned by going to www.yournamehereguide.com. If he ends up using your story in the next volume of his book he’ll give you $100! That could buy you like 100 things at the $1 Store!

I don’t have $100 to give you but I do have an extra copy of the book that the author gave me. Want it? All you have to do is share with me a story about being a parent that has taught you a life lesson and I’ll pick my favorite one. Post your story in the comments field below. And don’t forget to check out Rosenbaum’s site.

Improvising Lullabies

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 16:12:17 -0700

This is a variation of the lullaby I often sing to Chandler as I put him to sleep. After a few verses it turns into a rhyming game and I always end up coming up with something new.

Chandler Chandler, it’s time to sleep.

Chandler Chandler, don’t make a peep.

Chandler Chandler, it’s time for bed.

Chandler Chandler, rest your little head.

Chandler Chandler, it’s time to nap.

Chandler Chandler, don’t take a crap.

Chandler Chandler, Daddy loves you.

Chandler Chandler, Big League Chew.

Chandler Chandler, have a sweet dream.

Chandler Chandler, apply some foot cream.

Chandler Chandler, let’s be friends.

Chandler Chandler, pay me dividends.

And it just goes on like that until I get him ready for his nap. This lullaby is severely lacking in the lull department, but mommy always likes hearing what new verses I come up with.

1,000 Tumblr followers. Thanks!

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 08:00:54 -0700

1,000 Tumblr followers. Thanks!

"Somehow my son got glitter on his face and now he’s acting like a real diva."

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 14:18:09 -0700

“Somehow my son got glitter on his face and now he’s acting like a real diva.”

"I called Chandler a “smarty pants” but that’s not accurate. He’s actually a..."

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 19:00:00 -0700

“I called Chandler a “smarty pants” but that’s not accurate. He’s actually a “smarty onsie.””

Preparing for the 1st Birthday

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 16:39:00 -0700

Chandler is ten months old now, which means he’s only two months away from his first birthday. I know this because I looked it up. On a calendar. They say you can never have another first birthday. This a stupid saying, because you can’t have any of your other birthdays more than once either. But nevertheless, we want to make sure Chandler’s first birthday is one he never forgets. I can’t even remember my first birthday. Can you? It’s sad really, how many people can’t remember their first birthday.

Every good birthday party needs top notch entertainment. My first thought was to get Chandler a clown. Not because I necessarily think this would be good entertainment, but because I want Chandler to be frightened by a clown at a young age and then scarred for life like so many other children are. I never had this experience, and I always felt left out when other kids would freak out about clowns.

In my research for the perfect birthday party entertainer I came across this amazing possibility. Mario Manzini: A man of many talents.

Mario Manzini is a

GUINNESS World Champion Escape Artist”, Magician, Fire Eater, Elvis Tribute Artist. His Tribute To HOUDINI show combines Thrilling Escapes, Comedy Magic.

I’m a little skeptical that he put the Guinness world record in quotes. But look at all those amazing other skills he has! He eats fire! He is an Elvis Tribute artist! His magic is comical! Plus, check this out:

Manzini will Customize his shows to fit your budget & needs and uses audience participation.

Chandler loves to participate!

Manzini performs in Missouri & throughout the world.

Oooh! Missouri AND throughout the world. His site says he will travel up to 3,000 miles from Columbia, MO. I just Google Mapped it and Portland is just 1,900 miles away by car. Jackpot! Need some more convincing?

When you book Manzini he will perform a Free Publicity Escape Stunt Guaranteed to get your event Maximum News Media Coverage.

This is perfect! This is exactly what we need for Chandler’s first birthday. Maximum News Media Coverage. Notice he capitalized each of those words. Yeah, because it’s a big deal. And I’ve got some ideas for what kind of stunts he could do. Mario Manzini eats fire, eh? But has he ever eaten a baby? Has he ever eaten a baby that is eating fire? Chandler will put pretty much anything in his mouth so I don’t think it’d be too hard to get him to eat a little fire. And a grown man eating a baby while the baby eats fire is sure to get some Maximum News Media Coverage…and require an amazing escape.

Still not convinced that Mario Manzini is the right choice for Chandler’s first birthday party? Then just watch this video.

"Today Chandler has taken more steps than a celebrity going through rehab."

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 12:58:54 -0700

“Today Chandler has taken more steps than a celebrity going through rehab.”