Somebody is playing favorites

Recently it has become abundantly clear that Chandler is a momma’s boy. 

During the beginning stages of my parenting career, I prided myself on maintaining a strong connection with my son. People told me that in the first few months the baby will have a much stronger connection with the mother because she is his primary source of food, and she doesn’t have an annoying voice like I do. It’s natural for the mother to be more connected to the baby than the father is. I didn’t see it as natural. I saw it as a challenge.  

For those first few months I did a good job of staying involved and making sure I always got in some quality father-son bonding time. I taught him important survival techniques like how to triage an iPod, how to maintain constant awareness of your Mt Dew inventory levels, and how to catch, kill, and field dress a Keebler Elf. And for a while I was really holding my own. I’m not saying it’s a competition, but that’s only because I was never quite winning.

I also wasn’t losing horribly. Until now. Now I am losing. Horribly. Anytime Mommy leaves even for a moment, Chandler starts to freak out. What happens when Daddy leaves? I can’t confirm this, but I swear I can hear the faint sound of little pudgy baby hands clapping. 

What happens when Mommy enters the room? Smiles and giggles and impressively articulate fist pumps.

(By the way, I googled “Fist Pump” to make sure I wasn’t using a term that was going to be considered sexual, and found this awesome Wikipedia article. I don’t use fist pumps nearly enough anymore. Unfortunately, according to Google they are becoming associated with Jersey Shore…and I’m not about to jump onto that bandwagon.)

Wow, I really got sidetracked…where was I? Oh yeah, Mommy enters the room and little baby fist pumps ensue. What happens when Daddy enters the room? Chandler kind of looks at me, looks down, looks at me again, then turns and sees Mommy. “OH MOMMY IS STILL HERE!” And crawls to Mommy.

Now, I should step back a bit and say, Chandler isn’t necessarily “freaking out” when Ashley leaves the room. Occasionally we’ll witness a real meltdown. Usually it’s just a little mini-panic attack. Often nothing happens at all. But I guess you could say I’m being a little hyper-sensitive to the whole situation. After all, I’m a comedian. I want people to pay attention to me and like me. That’s a major part of what a comedian strives for. 

But don’t worry. I’ll have my time. Sure Mom is the favorite now. But just you wait. Soon Chandler will see the true wisdom behind “Bros before Hos.” (Sorry honey. You’re not a Ho. It’s just a thing people say.) And I have a plan! You see, I know what kinds of things kids like. How do I know? Because I can think like one. In fact, I can’t think like anything other than a kid. So I plan on stockpiling all sorts of awesome toys and other fun items for Chandler and I to play with. Things like nunchucks, sports gear, legos, candy stashed all over the house, and Unicorns. Yeah, UNICORNS. They are awesome! They are horses with spikes! And Chandler will learn to love them in a manly way.

Anyhow, the point is I’m going to bribe Chandler into loving me. It won’t be a glorious victory, but a win is a win. Okay, I’m off to buy some child sized ninja weapons, a pony, and a spike.