I think my son is a cyborg

So…I think I figured it out. I was sitting in the corner of our living room hiding behind a pile of burp cloths trying not to move while my “child” tore up the room, lifted the ottoman over his head, and touched the ceiling by climbing the drapes, and I had a revelation.

My son is a cyborg.

He’s not human. He’s certainly not a little boy. He’s definitely not a baby. I mean, since when do babies put their fathers in sleeper holds? How does a baby dead lift a vacuum? I didn’t think it could be true, but the other day I heard a distinct sound. It was the sound of his internal motors whirling around. It’s that same sound you always hear on TV shows and B movies. I always just thought it was a crappy sound effect but…IT’S REAL!

The other night Ashley was leaning over the crib trying to soothe the ChandlerBorg when suddenly he pulled her into the crib and started to maul her (do cyborgs maul?). I had to spray the ChandlerBorg with nitroglycerin (we keep it next to our fire extinguisher) which caused him to freeze and shatter into a million little pieces. As Ashley and I fled the room I could hear him forming back into one piece, picking up his pacifier, and sucking himself back to sleep. 

I don’t know how this happened. The only thing I can think of is that somewhere along the way my wife had relations with a cyborg. OR…SHE is a cyborg. She does have the creepiest, most accurate memory I’ve ever seen. Sometimes I see her eyes do this funny twitching thing like she is downloading memories off a server somewhere. And her ears are slightly larger (and cuter) than normal which I am now realizing might be tiny satellite dishes disguised as ears. 

You don’t believe me? Here’s proof that my son is a cyborg.