What you gonna do with all that junk?

Who’s ready for another healthy dose of Father Knows Best?? Today’s question is provided by an anonymous source. Don’t worry “Anonymous”, your secret is safe with me. Their question is:

Will you feed Chandler “junk” food and when? How will you decide how much he can have? Or maybe I should say Who?

Normally I say something like, “Great question!” But you have actually opened up a sore subject between my wife and I. So it’s a good thing you submitted the question anonymously. Because it’s about to get real AWKWARD.

The other night I was enjoying a lovely milkshake at Fuddruckers, which was topped with whipped cream. My mother-in-law and I thought it would be fun to give Chandler his first taste of this delightful treat. My wife…DID NOT. I have been a very obedient husband when it comes to Chandler’s food intake. But with my mother-in-law egging me on I defied my wife and gave Chandler a finger full of whipped creamy goodness.

His response was pretty neutral. I looked at my wife to see what she was thinking. It was like one of those moments in a movie when they say, “It’s quiet…a little too quiet.”

So technically Chandler has had his first “junk” food. But this is only the beginning.

As you all may have noticed, I have a bit of an affection for Mt. Dew. I’m also a major candy consumer. A typical breakfast for me is two Twinkies and a Mt. Dew. I am not joking. I’m not.

Now as you read along and learn about my so-called “horribly unhealthy eating habits” you might be picturing me as this extremely out of shape pathetic looking man. In reality I am the perfect picture of health.

You might be wondering how I can maintain my girlish figure while cramming so much junk down my skinny little throat. (I’m eating Chex Mix and Dew as I write this) The key is: It’s all in your mind. Ever since I was young I have never believed that what I eat can have any effect on me. As a result, it never has.

I’m sure there are a lot of you who are thinking “BS! You just have a high metabolism and someday all those Twinkies will catch up with you and you’ll be HUGE!” Maybe that’s true, and someday that will make for one really funny post.

So my prevailing theory on “junk” food is that Chandler can have as much as he wants. That is MY theory. But the majority of my theories tend not to prevail in my household. In fact, most of my theories tend to be shot down like a jet flying over enemy airspace.

I have a feeling Chandler’s eating habits will vary greatly depending on the presence of his mother. But when I’m in charge it’ll be cheeseburgers, jelly beans, and Mt. Dew.