I am the Jack Bauer of parenting
Boop. Beep. The following post happens in real time.
I am the Jack Bauer of parenting. I have my Baby Bjourn straps tucked beneath my jacket covertly like a set of shoulder strap gun holsters. I carry an extra pacifier hidden in an ankle sheath. I can get my son into his car seat in record time and will use excessive force if necessary. And by excessive force I mean I sing to him.
Ahem…I am the Jack Bauer of parenting. I am equipped with the latest in baby monitoring and smartphone technology and I have an app for recording and analyzing all of my son’s activities. I know when he has a poopy before he does. I can hear him drop his pacifier from the next room over, catch it before it hits the ground and have it back in his mouth before his little lungs can draw enough breath to emit a cry.
My wife is the much more beautiful and much less socially awkward Chloe O’Brian of parenting. She runs the ops. She’s accessing the archives of parenting blogs and downloading Babies R’ Us coupons so they can be sent directly to my PDA. She sends in reinforcements (her parents and brother) when we need them and orchestrates a tightly wound schedule for when we don’t have the manpower to back us up.
Our home is the headquarters for CTU, the Child Tactical Unit. It houses state of the art toys and childcare technology. Everything you touch is armed with motion sensors and at the slightest tremor the device in question will launch into a rousing rendition of “The Wheels on the Bus” or some beloved Mother Goose Rhyme.
I am the Jack Bauer of parenting. Whenever my son needs me I will be there. I will go to whatever lengths it takes to ensure his safety, his development, and his happiness at all times. Most importantly I will make sure he laughs every day.
I am the Jack Bauer of parenting.
