Impending Doom

So we are 52 days away from the projected birth day of our baby, and I have to say I am feeling oddly calm about the whole situation. I am typically a pretty cavalier guy. But this is huge. We’re having a baby! We’re starting a new life. We’re responsible for making sure a human gets their life off to a good start and ends up being successful. So…I should be a little nervous. Right?

But I’m not. I’m actually feeling really calm about the whole thing. But the more I think about how calm I am the more nervous I get. Shouldn’t I be getting all worked up? I see other soon to be dads quaking in their boots. Everyone I talk to is like, “Oh. You’re having a baby. Are you scared?” Or, “You’re having a baby. Nice knowing you!” Or, “You’re having a baby? Why did you do that?”

So I’ve started to imagine all sorts of horrible things that could happen that would warrant so much fear. Here are 7 things that I am irrationally afraid will happen when my baby is born.

7. The Mid-Wife will hand me the baby and as soon as I take it the baby’s head will fall off and the Mid-Wife will yell, “You broke it!”
6. The baby will be a Gremlin.
5. The baby will come out, take one look at me and say, “I don’t think so!” and then crawl back up into the womb.
4. The baby will be completely nocturnal.
3. The baby will come out and will actually be a Muppet and my wife will confess that she had been cheating on me with the entire Sesame Street cast.
2. My baby will be born with more of a mustache than I will ever have.
1. As a result of all the Mt. Dew I drink, the baby will come out completely green.