My father is an idiot: By Chandler Smith

So…I don’t know about you but I don’t read my dad’s blog very much. It’s not that I don’t think it’s a good blog. It’s fine I guess. I just prefer the New York Times. But the other day I was doing a quick review of my dad’s posts to make sure he doesn’t say anything stupid…and what do you know? He did!

His last post, titled “Do you know where your child is?”, was actually a guest post for Many Sleepless Nights, a blog by some other kid’s mommy. The entire post hinged on a joke about “Child Opacity.” I guess my dad thought that was funny because it sounded like Child Obesity. He’s kind of simple.

Anyway, the entire premise of the joke is flawed. He droned on and on about how kids are becoming more opaque and as a result disappearing.

Ahem…the definition of opaque as seen on thefreedictionary.com

1. not transmitting light; not transparent or translucent

Of course if Dad doesn’t know what opaque means, he might not know what transparent or translucent mean. Well here’s some other definitions of opaque that might be more fitting.

4. hard to understand; unintelligible

5. unintelligent; dense

C’mon Dad, you couldn’t have taken a moment to look it up? The dictionary was free for cryin’ out loud.

Citizens of the blogosphere, I apologize for my father. He is a dolt. You should really reconsider reading this blog. Alright, I’ve gotta go poop my diaper.

Kick Butt (We don’t say ass, honey. That’s not a nice word)

The other night I finally got around to Netflixing (totally a verb now) the movie Kick Ass (ahem! Butt). For those of you who are unaware, or plurally unawares, Kick *Butt is a movie about a teenager who lives out his fantasy of being a superhero.

This movie is going to get me in trouble. You see, I too have always dreamt of being a superhero, fighting crime, and wearing tights. I am currently only doing one of those things. My desire to be a superhero is the reason I always insist on wearing shoes I can run in. It is also why I own nunchucks.

Of course every good superhero needs a good sidekick. (shut up Spiderman!) This is why I had a son. Shhhh! Don’t tell my wife.

In the movie Kick *Butt, two of the main characters are an ex-cop, turned Batman-esque superhero, named Big Daddy (played by Nicholas Cage) and his 11 year old daughter that he has trained to be his sidekick, named Hit Girl (played by some girl that I don’t really care about enough to look up on IMDB). The first time you see these two on screen, they are in a drainage ditch and Big Daddy is teaching Hit Girl how to take a bullet in the chest while wearing a bullet proof vest.

In this movie, Nicholas Cage has two things I really want. An amazing mustache, and a child that can take a bullet for him. I am inspired. The mustache is still out of reach, but the crime fighting sidekick son is still very much a possibility.

First things first. We’re going to need some awesome superhero names. I actually already have my superhero persona picked out. I’d be the Mustachioed Marauder. I wouldn’t need to wear a mask or anything fancy, just a really big fake mustache. Then people would be like, “Wait, isn’t that Nate Smith? Nevermind, that guy has a mustache.” It’d be similar to when Superman puts on a pair of glasses and suddenly nobody knows it’s him.

I think to compliment my mustache motif, Chandler’s superhero name would be SideBurner. It’d be fitting because he’s my sidekick, he would ride in the sidecar of my mustache-mobile (also known as the Mustache Ride), and he’d wear really long fake sideburns. Together we would comb the streets (pun fully intended) of Portlandopolis looking for criminals and a good barber.

We would also need an arch nemesis. An enemy that would be the yin to our yang. Because we have a nice facial hair theme going I think our arch nemesis would the Clippers. That’s right, the Los Angeles Clippers. It’s really more of a metaphorical thing, especially since the term ‘clipper’ in this instance doesn’t actually refer to hair clippers. But c’mon, wouldn’t you like to see the LA Clippers go to jail?

Well, I believe this is only the beginning of a long journey. This isn’t the last you’ve heard of the Mustachioed Marauder and SideBurner.