On the nights that I put Parker to bed I sing Baby Beluga to him as my show closer. Tonight as I started he pointed first to the baby whale, and then to the adult whale and said, “Me” and then “dadda”. He proceeded to point out which one was him and which one was me on each page.
Oh and mom made a guest appearance as the Inuit woman.
Improvising Fatherhood’s Patented Parenting Techniques! By Nate Smith
(*All patents are pending)
Wow, I have been a father for almost five years now. That’s half a decade, or as I like to call it, one fifth of a quarter of a century! During my time as a dad, I have developed a few unique techniques to dealing with children.
Today I am going to share with you some of my best parenting tips and tricks.
Can’t get your kids to eat their food? Wait until they are asleep and then feed it to them intravenously.
Kids shouldn’t spend too much time watching TV. Mix it up by letting them watch their favorite shows on an iPad, iPhone, or other mobile devices.
Be an actual helicopter parent. Your kids would love it if you flew them around everywhere in a real helicopter.
Keep your kids from getting spoiled by making them sleep in a Ziploc bag in the refrigerator.
Don’t feed your kids junk food. Give them name-brand candy only.
Even though you know you’ve made a lot of mistakes in your life and are somewhat unhappy with how your life has turned out, make sure to force your kids to live their lives exactly like you.
When your kids are asleep whisper positive affirmations to them like, “It’s amazing I’ve managed to keep you alive this long.”
Remember, kids can smell fear…and farts…and they will call you out on that.
Make sure to back up all your pictures of your kids. That’s going to be valuable blackmail material some day.
Don’t let your kids use the word headcanon. Just don’t.
Last night Ashley and I got to take Chandler to Cirque du Soleil’s showing of Totem. We’ve been to a few Cirque shows but this was Chandler’s first experience. Even though it was a late night for him (show starts at 7:30), Chandler was engaged and enjoyed the entire show.
As usual the show was filled with incredible feats of athleticism mixed with beautiful artistry. Some of it we had seen before and some of it was completely novel to us. The Amerindian hoop dancer was something I’d never seen and was spectacular.
While most of the routines featured amazing physical feats that most of us will never be capable of, one in particular made my jaw drop as I attempted to wrap my mind around how the heck it was being done. The Juggling Scientist (pictured in the cone above) did a juggling routine that just floored me. Rolling LED lit juggling balls around a transparent cone as he stands in the middle orchestrating the whole maniacal ordeal, Greg Kennedy uses physics and silliness to wow the crowd. Here’s an article I found where he talks about how he created this routine - and here’s a video of him practicing the routine.
Chandler’s favorite act was the group of monkeys who followed a business man around the stage in a formation that morphed into a depiction of evolution before eventually attacking the business man and taking his pants and jacket. After the show we got to go backstage and Chandler got a chance to see one of the handcrafted monkey masks up close. Each of those masks are made specifically to fit the measurements of a specific performer’s face and take about 55 hours to make. Chandler tried to pick its nose.
Being a comedian, my favorite acts were the clowns. Particularly, Misha the Clown (pictured at the bottom in the boat). His antics are the kind of humor that remind us that comedy doesn’t have to be edgy and mean to be really really good. On top of his hilarious buffoonery, Misha did a golf ball juggling act involving pots that ended with him bouncing a golf ball on one of those pots on his shoulder so precisely that he was able to bring it to a complete stop and rest it on the pot. Tiger Woods aint got nothing on Misha the Clown.
As usual, Cirque left me feeling inspired and happy. As the publicist told me, Totem will probably run for the next 20 years and they will travel across six continents never visiting a city more than once. So if they come to a city near you, I recommend you check it out.